How to sabotage your partner's early bedtime

IS your partner being a dick and getting an early night as if that makes them better than you? Here’s how to shit all over that plan:

Divert them

Start doing something that’s their thing. Set up a zombie boardgame, begin making moussaka from scratch, get a guitar out: whatever they’d stay up to do, do it now. And badly. They’ll be stepping in and doing it for you until midnight. Good luck with your dawn run, dickhead!

Provoke an argument

Nothing angries the blood like a old-fashioned screaming match. If you’re really in love you’ll know how to get under their skin like nobody else. Go in on how she sounds like her mother or when he was caught Googling his ex and the adrenaline will have you both up until sunrise.

Seduce them

Come on to her with the grimly lustful determination of a man who’s forked out more than he should have for a hotel room on Valentine’s Day. Insist on lengthy foreplay. Then go at it, awakening sensations not felt for months, revitalising your lover. Then uncomfortably cuddle and refuse to move.

Caffeinate them

If it’s not as simple as swapping out decaf for caf, get creative – think of it as a poisoning that brings them to life. Splash green tea on their pizza, slip Red Bull into their risotto, or lace a Taste the Difference tiramisu with espresso shots. They’ll still be wide-eyed and shaking in the bed beside you as you drift off at a reasonable 1am.

Fake a medical emergency

If there’s one place nobody sleeps, it’s A&E. Fake a back problem or internal rupture, or just wedge an object in your arse, and demand to be rushed to hospital. You can make a sudden recovery when you deem it a rational time for you both to go to bed.

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The five types of twat livid that the Rwanda flight didn’t take off

WONDERING who on earth was cheering for last night’s flight to Rwanda to take off as planned? These arseholes: 

GB News-watching twats

An instantly recognisable breed of twat bellowing logic-dismissing opinions in the style of Tom Harwood and Allison Pearson. Uses bollocks phrases like ‘wokerati’ and ‘the civil service blob’. Will not rest until all asylum seekers, bishops, and benefit claimants have been removed to what they insist on calling ‘the dark continent’.

Racist twats

One of the least self-aware strains of twat. Not racist; it’s a coincidence that anyone non-white bears the brunt of their extensive suite of prejudices. Believes the only reason they can’t get a GP appointment, a six-figure job and a card for the cash-and-carry is migrants, and this flight would have turned that around.

Anti-human rights twats

10pm yesterday was a low point for those who believe lawyers should keep their noses out of legal matters and that human rights aren’t for everybody. They dream of a fully-armed environment-devastating life like the lawless hellscape of Mad Max: Fury Road, which luckily appears to be the exact direction in which the UK is headed.

Brexiter twats

Not every Brexit voter approves of the Rwanda policy, but everyone who does approve definitely voted Brexit. An insane core of voters for whom no xenophobia is enough, which the government is hell-bent on placating to scrub away Partygate. It’s a shame they make up a huge chunk of the population.

Knee-jerk twats

Long ago, these twats decided who they hated. It’s a diverse list including teachers, gays, city-dwellers, fancy types and do-gooders, but top of it is always foreigners. The only way they could love this flight to Rwanda more is if Meghan Markle was on it.