IS your partner being a dick and getting an early night as if that makes them better than you? Here’s how to shit all over that plan:
Start doing something that’s their thing. Set up a zombie boardgame, begin making moussaka from scratch, get a guitar out: whatever they’d stay up to do, do it now. And badly. They’ll be stepping in and doing it for you until midnight. Good luck with your dawn run, dickhead!
Provoke an argument
Nothing angries the blood like a old-fashioned screaming match. If you’re really in love you’ll know how to get under their skin like nobody else. Go in on how she sounds like her mother or when he was caught Googling his ex and the adrenaline will have you both up until sunrise.
Come on to her with the grimly lustful determination of a man who’s forked out more than he should have for a hotel room on Valentine’s Day. Insist on lengthy foreplay. Then go at it, awakening sensations not felt for months, revitalising your lover. Then uncomfortably cuddle and refuse to move.
If it’s not as simple as swapping out decaf for caf, get creative – think of it as a poisoning that brings them to life. Splash green tea on their pizza, slip Red Bull into their risotto, or lace a Taste the Difference tiramisu with espresso shots. They’ll still be wide-eyed and shaking in the bed beside you as you drift off at a reasonable 1am.
Fake a medical emergency
If there’s one place nobody sleeps, it’s A&E. Fake a back problem or internal rupture, or just wedge an object in your arse, and demand to be rushed to hospital. You can make a sudden recovery when you deem it a rational time for you both to go to bed.