How to maintain your bigoted views in retirement

IT can be a challenge to navigate the transition to retirement while remaining militantly bigoted. Stay an intolerant prick in the twilight years with these tips:

Talk to young people

Hearing your woke grandchildren spouting irritatingly tolerant views about immigration and climate change and giving up dairy really stimulates your narrow mind with new things to get angry about. What on earth bloody ‘non-binary’ is you don’t know.

Build a social network

It is crucial to seek out other like-minded bigots who can inspire you to get all het up and veiny about new things. Watercolouring classes, Facebook groups called ‘Old Stoke-on-Trent was best!’ and your local post office are great fascist networking opportunities.

Challenge yourself

It’s very easy to slip into ‘not being bothered’ about issues that you’ve never directly enountered and don’t affect you. That way lies liberalism. Get yourself boiling mad by reading all the papers online and chase whatever tiny thing really inflames you.

Put yourself forward

It’s easy to feel invisible in retirement so find a way to make your voice heard. Why not load up your favourite right-wing rag online and start commenting below articles so you can hear your views celebrated and reinforced. 77JubileeBrit must speak for the people.

Golf, golf, golf

Everyone needs to workshop their prejudices sometimes. If ever you feel yourself teetering and thinking disturbing thoughts such as ‘maybe grand-scale nationalisation isn’t such a bad idea,’ the lads propping up the bar at the golf club will be there to set you right.

Employee asked to 'socialise the idea and see if it gains traction' hates that he knows what it means

A MAN asked via Zoom to socialise an idea and give it an offline pulse-check has confirmed that it made him hate his boss but also hate himself. 

Josh Hudson clarified that he completely understands what his boss means, will perform the actions and report back to him in the same language but that everyone involved will be filled with self-loathing throughout.

Hudson continued: “Before he got promoted, Ryan was a normal human being. Then one day we were on a call and he said, ‘What cadence shall we engage at going forward? Can we circle back and touch base by close of play?’

“I waited for someone to take the piss but no-one did. Then Martin replied, without any trace of irony: ‘I think a daily pulse-check is a good baseline: that will keep us nimble. And if we don’t get buy-in during that window, we can deep-dive offline.’

“And, God help us, we did.”

Professor of linguistics Helen Archer said: “Workplaces are hotbeds of insecurity and sheep-like imitation, so if one tosser uses a phrase everyone will. Drop ‘Let’s hand-feed this koala’ and five days later, the executive board is saying it.

“Or you can speak plain English and make sure you’re clearly understood at all times. But don’t expect to ever get promoted.”