How to make your city centre flat less terrifyingly claustrophobic

IS IT cool to live in the big city but only possible in a tiny flat? Here’s how to adjust to your Lilliputian living quarters. 

Buy dolls’ house furniture

Even the smallest studio seems enormous if your chairs are only five inches tall. However your social gatherings for dolls, and especially the endless bloody small talk, may cause some loss of mind.

Imagine no possessions

Set up a storage unit as a walk-in wardrobe, kitchen storage and leisure activity access facility, and put everything you own there. Swing by twice a day to pick up what you need – it’s only a 40-minute bus journey out of your way, and think of the space you’ll have.

Bonsai pets

Invasive cats and boisterous dogs make small flats feel like the world’s shittest petting zoo. Opt for very small pets, such as a stag beetle, ant or computer virus. Be careful when you’re stroking them not to slam your elbow against a wall.

Never spend any time there

Get breakfast out, lunch out, booze out and spend hours in coffee shops with your laptop. So financially crippling you’ll barely be able to afford rent on your tiny flat you’re never in.

Paint a spacious living room on your wall

Turn your pokey living room-kitchen-office into a grand salon with a clever trompe l’oeil painting creating the illusion of a cavernous space. Then run into it again and again like Wile E Coyote.

Move somewhere else

Not as fashionable as city living, but may ultimately be preferable to paying £1,200 a month to effectively live in a prison cell without drugs.

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Man still fixated on older sister's friend who got off with him in 1989

A MAN still asks his older sister loaded questions about her friend Jenny who snogged him for a laugh 30 years ago. 

46-year-old Nathan Muir never fails to visit his sister Emma without asking ‘And how is Jenny these days?’ then staring wistfully out of the window as if pining for what might have been.

Emma said: “Nathan’s been with the same girl for 12 years. They’ve got a kid. But still he wants to know all about who Jenny’s with and how she’s doing these days and have I got any recent pictures of her on my phone.

“He’s hinted before that he’d walk out on his relationship if Jenny was interested, which is the most batshit insane thing I’ve ever heard.

“Seriously, you got off with her once for the duration of a Cure song. I dared her to after four Diamond Whites because I thought it’d be funny. It’s time to move on.”

Nathan Muir said: “There’ll never be another Jenny, not for me. Her subsequent relationships, two marriages and four children are nothing to what we shared together.

“I just want to feel the way I felt that night again. She let me put my hand up her T-shirt.”