Monday, 19th April 2021

How to pathetically prove you're cleverer than everyone else

DO you feel the constant need to prove your intellectual superiority? Here’s how to do it, as you’re not smart enough to work it out for yourself: 

Show off obscure knowledge

Anything niche will do. Perhaps you know a single fact about nuclear physics, or recently watched a YouTube documentary about crisps. Either way flaunt your knowledge in the face of others’ ignorance, affecting to be shocked they don’t know Walkers produce 11m packets per day.

Bang on about your IQ

Everyone knows intelligence ain’t nothing but a number. If you once got a high IQ score on a dubious online test, mention it frequently. Ignore the fact that your genius-level IQ has not resulted in great wealth or success. As an intellectual you’re above that.

Have a stock of ‘clever’ words

Employ unfamiliar terms like ‘fissiparous’, ‘inter alia’ and ‘tergiversation’ when simple wording would be fine. However you want to appear clever, not an outright bellend, so steer clear of Jacob Rees-Mogg-isms like ‘floccinaucinihilipilification’.

Subject people to a book you’re reading

Don’t worry if other people haven’t read it and cannot contribute to the conversation; that just means more talking for you. Ensure this happens by only discussing an over-hyped pop science book about gravitational singularities you’ve only read four pages of.

Do sudoku

Clever people are good at maths, for example Einstein, and sudokus are the very height of maths. Puzzle over it ostentatiously before filling in numbers with a flourish, implying you’ve mounted yet another obstacle that is as nothing to your intellect. Put in any number you like, because nobody cares and nobody will check.

Have various affectations

Being scatty, disorganised or drunk suggests you’re too deep to bother with normal life. Dressing in a bohemian fashion is also good. But if you want the full ‘Pretentious? Moi?’ effect, start smoking a pipe.