Friday, 29th May 2020

How to pretend you're not shitting yourself in the supermarket

DOES every trip to the supermarket to buy essentials fill you with terror? Here’s how to pretend you have nerves of steel.

Whistle a happy tune

Whistling cheerfully will give you an air of nonchalance as you secretly wonder if that pack of sausages has been handled by a coronavirus carrier and nervously approach it like an unexploded bomb.

Don’t dress like you’re prepared for a chemical attack

Keep your protective clothing to one mask. When you’re out of the store you can put on three more masks, surgical gloves and a face visor in a mad panic. Then breathe a sigh of relief as you do up your anorak hood tightly and spray yourself with Dettol.

Do a reasonably normal shop

Get a range of veg, meat, cereals, and so on. Don’t just grab whatever you can in 50 seconds and sprint the f**k out of there with 80 jars of mussels, all the toothpaste and an Elsa doll. 

Look casual as you’re clearly avoiding people

Try to have relaxed body language as you’re clearly standing as far away as possible from the cashier. Reinforce this with casual chit-chat, although it may come out all garbled and panicky, eg. “HA HA – I like a nice bit of bleach, do you? HA HA! Ooh, funny weather, isn’t it? OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE HURRY UP, WOMAN!”

Get someone else to go

The only guarantee of not looking scared. There’s surely no harm in sending your six-year-old shopping with 150 quid in cash, or, depending on your level of cowardice, why not ask your 80-year-old gran?