How to slim down for summer in a batsh*t insane way

HAVE you run out of time to get slim for summer? Here are some weight-loss tips that are even more unhinged than the usual nonsense.

Go on a diet you have no chance of sticking to

Invent a totally unrealistic diet such as only eating one apple a day. Then wonder why you can’t stick to it and start binge-eating kebabs and entire blocks of cheese from the fridge. (Answer: your body does not want to die.)

Train super-hard at the gym

Go mental at the gym in the few days left before your holiday as if your frantic exercise will burn off the fat there and then. It won’t, but you may avoid feeling self-conscious at the beach by suffering a horrific injury and having to cancel your holiday. 

Wear a lot of black

Not really losing weight, but black clothes are widely believed to be ‘slimming’. You’ll be desperately hot and sweaty in the sun, and it also has the downside of making you look like a Goth, ISIS executioner or, worst of all, a jazz buff.

Consult the Daily Mail 

The Mail is the bible of dubious dietary advice. Convince yourself you’ll soon be as skinny as a supermodel if you adopt some logic-free diet that consists of kale soup on Tuesdays and Thursdays, banana sandwiches for the rest of the week and 15 steaks and 75 fried eggs at the weekend.

Find a deadly weight-loss method on the internet

Spend £120 on dodgy diet pills from Latvia which may contain tapeworms, dangerous levels of amphetamines, or both. If this doesn’t work, find a crackpot site about DIY liposuction surgery you can do in the bath with a bread knife, a bottle of TCP and a vacuum cleaner.

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Boyfriend of six months looks sh*t in summer

A WOMAN who has been seeing her new partner since January has only now realised that he looks terrible in hot weather. 

Carolyn Ryan’s relationship with Stephen Malley was going from strength to strength until the sun came out and he began dressing like Peter Andre. 

She said: “It was fantastic to find that beneath that puffa jacket Steve had a really muscular body. What wasn’t good was discovering that as soon as it’s hot he has it out all the time. 

“All the girls at work were pissing themselves because some Love Island wannabe in a shirt open to the waist, gold chains and Daisy Dukes was hanging around in reception. I went over to join in the fun and there was Steve. 

“How was I to know? He doesn’t wear muscle vests and flip-flops when it’s pissing it down in March. He’s actually kind and sensitive. But a bit of blue sky and apparently he’s auditioning for Magic Mike 3

“We’re going to Ibiza next month. He’ll be strutting round with that six-pack that used to be our special secret. I’m going to be so ashamed.” 

Malley said: “Yeah, Carolyn’s gone a bit odd. She refused to wear a bikini top just because we were going to a fancy restaurant. Why? It’s summer.”