How to trick people into thinking you didn't piss away your weekend

SPENT your two precious days off doing bugger all but watching telly and wanking again?  Fool friends and colleagues into believing you have an enviable social life: 

Lean to the vague

No way does your phone show 14 hours of screen time for Saturday. In fact you had such a mad one at various pubs and clubs that your memory is hazy and bereft of detail. But your wild antics were definitely fun and definitely happened, and you definitely weren’t crying at Clueless again.

Look hungover

Easily achieved. Not because you spent Sunday evening drowning your dread of the week to come with gin, though. No, because even as late as last night you were in the pub, hanging out with a diverse crowd of attractive people who don’t have last names or social media accounts.

Reference pop culture

The Spurs game? Oh yeah, mad wasn’t it? Can you believe it when he scored? And as for that murder TV show everyone’s glued to? Gripping stuff or overrated trash, you agree. Nod and smile while the people with lives catch up and nobody will suspect that you spent 48 hours grinding Halo achievements.

Say ‘I got nothing done!’ 

Imply that your unironed shirt, unanswered emails and unkempt appearance were a direct consequence of getting picked up in a limo full of cool people straight from work on Friday, and let them fill in the blanks. If they suggest you lay on the sofa in a deep hole of despair, apathy and biscuits, tell them to try again.

Steal other people’s lives

Being pressed for information? Pass off other people’s lives as your own. Remember to change the names and places to make it more credible, don’t tell it to the person you stole it from, and cut out the bits where you’re suspiciously lively and admired. Alternatively, just say you went to the pub with mates. It’s simple, believable, and about as fun as life gets.

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Six people you've met in your life who were as deluded as Liz Truss

IN your life you’ve encountered a few people as forcefully deluded as former PM Liz Truss. These were the ones who snubbed reality: 

The chemistry supply teacher

Every lesson, a riot unfolded in front of her. Kids were lighting fags off the burning gas taps. Balls of silver foil flew at her face. Chesny just got up and rubbed out the whole diagram she’d just chalked up. It was like it wasn’t happening. Unperturbed due to her spectacularly misguided self-belief, she announced the end of class to nobody.

Your sister-in-law

A bar-raising fuckwit who makes inedible wheat pancakes fried in olive oil, strips wallpaper pissed and takes off half the plaster, and once lost her car for three days because she thought it was a red one. As absolutely convinced of her own brilliance as Truss still is as if the evidence wasn’t right f**king there.

The woman who crashed her car into yours

She steps out of the Audi, blinking as if it will make the twatted rear-end of your car blur and resolve itself, then turns on you. How could you let this happen when she was on her way to a business brunch? Why couldn’t you, so petty and insignificant, have simply anticipated her trajectory? At least, she comforts herself, the insurers will take her side.

Your former boss

Every financial indicator pointed to his restaurant going down the shitter. Every accountant warned him. The customers made their displeasure apparent. He blithely breezed through up to the very point the bailiffs arrived and then said ‘Don’t fret mate, I’ll talk them round.’ Apparently he still talks up how groundbreaking it was. Like Truss.

Your ex

Bump into him a few months after that sublime night when he was dumped and he seems to have spent the whole intervening period getting his story straight. He lets loose with 4,000 words of evasions, justifications and assertions as if anyone gives a shit. As if he was given a moment’s thought since.  

Jeremy Corbyn

Still out there. Still maintaining that he was entirely correct, any successes were entirely down to him and any failures were thanks to saboteurs. Bemoaning the country’s failure to accept how great he is to this day. No, you haven’t met him, but you’ve met loads of pricks like him.