How to warn people that you're bringing your mate who's a prick

IT CAN be difficult to tell friends that you are bringing a plus-one who is a knob, so here are some gentle ways to prepare them for the experience:

‘He’s a bit of a character’

This playful euphemism makes your twat mate sound like a storybook villain who wears too many hats rather than someone who casually insults barmaids. Present him as a unique experience so everyone can enjoy his foul rants as a quirky and creative usage of language.

‘He tells it like it is’

Honesty is a virtue. Repeating whatever bollocks you’ve read on right-wing Facebook is not, but suggesting he’s just saying what everyone else is really thinking reframes his rudeness as radical openness. No one can hate a prophet of the people.

‘He’s a Marmite person’

Love him or hate him – it can swing both ways. Theoretically. So far everyone’s swung directly to loathing, but who knows how it’ll go this time? For some reason he just rubs people up the wrong way with the words he says and the arsehole things he does.

‘He has a dark sense of humour’

Sure, some might think his quips are offensive, mean, homophobic and misogynist, but that’s because he’s mining a sophisticated seam of ironic humour that mere Friends-watching innocents can’t comprehend. A lengthy discussion about the boundaries of comedy might distract from what he’s saying for a few moments.

‘He doesn’t suffer fools gladly’

Casting the belligerent wanker is an impatient intellectual who it’s tough to keep up with hides the truth your buddy will not listen to a single opinion contrary to his own. Really, he’s like all of us. Only much, much worse.

‘You’ll get used to him’ 

Like piles, or a sinkhole in your garden, or Tory corruption, you’ll get used to him. You won’t ever like him and you’ll always long for the days when you were blissfully unaware of his existence, but you’ll get used to him. Soon your friends will be warning their friends about him with the above phrases.

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Office workers would get just as much done in a zero-day week

THE productivity of office workers would be unaffected if they went down to a zero-day week, it has been confirmed.

A trial run of zero-day weeks has shown that the output of most office workers would not be diminished if they scaled back to not working at all.

Boss Donna Sheridan said: “I was sceptical at first. Wouldn’t it put everyone under a lot of pressure? But after studying the data there was no denying the facts: my employees are deadweights pretending to look busy.

“I should have noticed that they’d come back from holiday refreshed and eager while we’d managed just fine without them. Almost as if their only contribution was mindlessly clicking between tabs and bringing in cakes.

“The new approach has been incredibly popular. Everyone’s not turning up with extra zip and zing and a real zest for life. The entirely empty workplace has never been so happy.”

Employee Hannah Tomlinson said: “It turns out that office work is largely unnecessary and capitalism is nothing but a facade. For discovering this I expect we’ll all soon be killed.”