'I love going to the dentist' says psychopath with perfect smile

A MAN with perfect teeth has told friends that he never misses a dental check-up because he loves them. 

Julian Cook made listeners shudder with his admission that he would be blinded by an overhead lamp and get his gums jabbed by a dental pick more than every six months if he could.

He continued: “I take great care of my teeth, so it feels fantastic to get my hard work validated by a qualified professional once every twelve months. I’m sure it’s a similar experience for everyone else.

“From the small dental mirror clattering around my incisors, to the satisfying grind of the tartar scraper, nothing beats a thorough seeing-to by my dental practitioner. Those twenty minute appointments really fly by.

“Every night I count down the days to my next visit on my tooth-themed calendar. Then I crawl into my bed which is shaped like my favourite tooth, the maxillary second premolar.

“It’d be great if something went wrong with them. Imagine the thrill of having a root canal. I think I’d forego the anaesthetic.”

Cook’s dentist Mary Fisher said: “One day someone’s going to punch him right in the choppers and give me some real work. I only hope I can be there when it happens.”

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'It's a die, not a dice' says Games Workshop's resident babe magnet

THE resident Romeo in Games Workshop has informed a hapless idiot of the difference between a die and some dice. 

Nathan Muir, in-house heart-throb in the Truro branch of the wargaming and minatures specialist, updated hapless gamer Joseph Turner that die is the singular form and dice the plural in front of three giggling teen girls.

Turner said: “I knew the second the words left my mouth I was going to regret it. You can’t get away with that kind of error in front of Nath and his little harem.

“I’d gone to loads of trouble painting that Lascannon Devastator squad in the hope I was going to get some action this week. But they’re all under his spell. It’s not fair. Why does he need all of them?”

Muir said: “A man’s worth in the sexy soup of hormones and physical attraction that is Games Workshop is determined by two things: the quality of his dry brushing and whether or not he knows die is the singular form of dice.

“If he wants to be a silver-tongued alpha male like I am, with a swarm of combat-ready Tyranids and a host of hot young ladies in the palm of his hand, then Turner needs to learn the rules.”

Donna Sheridan, Muir’s current favourite, agreed: “If he can’t tell the difference between die and dice, how can he be expected to satisfy a woman’s needs? He’s no better than a Magic: The Gathering player.”