Idyllic life on canal boat actually massive pain in the arse

LIVING on a boat appears relaxed but actually involves things like emptying a big box of your own excrement on a regular basis, it has emerged.

Tom Logan and Francesca Johnson purchased a narrow boat six months ago to experience a ‘change of pace’, which they definitely have due to the vast amount of extra stress.

Graphic designer Logan said: “I wish I hadn’t wanked on about how tranquil it would be because I can’t sleep at night for worrying about buying a home that’s constantly rotting away slowly.

“We couldn’t get a mooring in a gated marina so we’re out on the canal bank. It sounds nice in theory but towpaths seem to attract every kind of nutjob from pissed-up vagrants to psycho bastard cyclists.

“The actual boat is a nightmare. Initially we thought everything being so small was quirky and cute, but have you ever tried to turn a dining table into a bed after you’ve had five glasses of Merlot?

“Also I think I may have started to develop claustrophobia.

“Then there’s the toilet. After a couple of months of carrying what is essentially a suitcase full of our bodily waste out of the boat to be emptied we’ve stopped using it entirely and rely on pub toilets and bushes instead.

“It’s a bit like being homeless, but much more expensive.”