Idyllic life on canal boat actually massive pain in the arse

LIVING on a boat appears relaxed but actually involves things like emptying a big box of your own excrement on a regular basis, it has emerged.

Tom Logan and Francesca Johnson purchased a narrow boat six months ago to experience a ‘change of pace’, which they definitely have due to the vast amount of extra stress.

Graphic designer Logan said: “I wish I hadn’t wanked on about how tranquil it would be because I can’t sleep at night for worrying about buying a home that’s constantly rotting away slowly.

“We couldn’t get a mooring in a gated marina so we’re out on the canal bank. It sounds nice in theory but towpaths seem to attract every kind of nutjob from pissed-up vagrants to psycho bastard cyclists.

“The actual boat is a nightmare. Initially we thought everything being so small was quirky and cute, but have you ever tried to turn a dining table into a bed after you’ve had five glasses of Merlot?

“Also I think I may have started to develop claustrophobia.

“Then there’s the toilet. After a couple of months of carrying what is essentially a suitcase full of our bodily waste out of the boat to be emptied we’ve stopped using it entirely and rely on pub toilets and bushes instead.

“It’s a bit like being homeless, but much more expensive.”

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Arsehole quotes 'Won't Get Fooled Again' in every situation

A MAN thinks he looks really wise by referencing the song Won’t Get Fooled Again in any situation involving disappointment.

Martin Bishop already overuses the classic track by The Who to pour scorn on politicians, but has now started applying it to totally inappropriate things like his broadband deal.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “Martin thinks it makes him look really cynical and clever, as if no one else has ever noticed quite a lot of politicians are self-serving scumbags.

“That’s bad enough, but he’s started saying ‘Won’t get fooled again!’ as if he’s Roger Daltrey about every trivial issue like his phone contract.

“When he wrote it I don’t think the legendary rock star and spiritual ‘seeker’ Pete Townshend was thinking about how many free minutes you get on TalkTalk.

“Then there was the time we got a new manager and Martin sarcastically said, ‘Meet the new boss, same as the old boss’. That was bollocks because Jeff’s totally different and buys loads doughnuts out of his own money.”

Office worker Bishop said: “Won’t Get Fooled Again speaks volumes to a guy like me with a lot of life experience. I certainly ‘won’t get fooled again’ by the new KFC meal deal.”