'I'm happy for you' actually means 'No I'm f**king not'

PEOPLE are never telling the truth when they claim to be happy for you, research has confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found the phrase ‘I’m happy for you’ is normally spoken with a burning sense of hatred and resentment toward the person being congratulated, even if a close friend or spouse.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Whether in relation to someone being promoted or an ex meeting someone new, ‘I’m happy for you’ is extremely unlikely to be sincere.

“Subtle clues include a massive forced smile, visibly choking on the words and punching a nearby wall or desk.

“Human beings are by nature petty creatures who always want to feel as if they’re ‘ahead’. So if you can’t beat someone, it’s best that you both have miserable, shitty lives. That’s just common sense.

“My advice is to practise saying ‘I’m pleased for you’ in advance so you can say it in any situation without sounding sarcastic and bitter, which you surely are.”

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “When my mate Pete got an amazing job with a film company I was totally sincere when I said I was happy for him, the bloody overachieving little shit weasel.”


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Experts on house prices not twats like other experts, UK decides

EXPERTS warning of a fall in house prices should be treated like wise sages while everyone else is ignored, Britain has decided.

People who understand climate change, international trade and deadly epidemics are being kept off the news in favour of anyone warning householders in Kent might have to accept slightly lower offers.

Climate scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “I was due on BBC Breakfast to talk about droughts, unliveable cities and mankind’s extinction in less than a century, which is quite important.

“Unfortunately just before I went on air it came through that house prices in Norwich had fallen by 1.8 per cent, so understandably they told me to sod off. I think they got a DIY bloke on instead to recommend doing up your bathroom.”

Remain campaigner Denys Finch Hatton agreed: “Blocked ports, food shortages and mass unemployment are all apparently trivial matters we can safely ignore.

“However six cases of ‘gazundering’ in Islington warrant a 20-minute section on Newsnight and a four-page follow-up in the Sunday Telegraph.”

Estate agent Carolyn Ryan said: “It’s them that’s irresponsible for suggesting there’s something more important than house prices.”