‘I’m happy for you’ actually means ‘No I’m f**king not’

PEOPLE are never telling the truth when they claim to be happy for you, research has confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found the phrase ‘I’m happy for you’ is normally spoken with a burning sense of hatred and resentment toward the person being congratulated, even if a close friend or spouse.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Whether in relation to someone being promoted or an ex meeting someone new, ‘I’m happy for you’ is extremely unlikely to be sincere.

“Subtle clues include a massive forced smile, visibly choking on the words and punching a nearby wall or desk.

“Human beings are by nature petty creatures who always want to feel as if they’re ‘ahead’. So if you can’t beat someone, it’s best that you both have miserable, shitty lives. That’s just common sense.

“My advice is to practise saying ‘I’m pleased for you’ in advance so you can say it in any situation without sounding sarcastic and bitter, which you surely are.”

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “When my mate Pete got an amazing job with a film company I was totally sincere when I said I was happy for him, the bloody overachieving little shit weasel.”