Wednesday, 30th September 2020

I'm keeping my children off school because they're better than your children

By middle-class mother Francesca Johnson

ACROSS England, children are returning to school today. But not my children. Because they are better and more special than your children. 

They will be staying at home with me. I’ve told the school it’s because I don’t trust their Covid safety. I’ve told my boss I have no choice. I’ve even written to my MP.

But the real truth is that I’ve spotted an opportunity to be more precious about my children than you are about yours. And that makes them better, and makes me a better mother.

My children have always been better, of course. Their ballet and capoeira prowess alone proves that, let alone their academic achievements. How wonderful, though, to be able to prove it so definitively.

Just imagine the look of pitying superiority I’d give you if we met. My children safely tucked away in a coronavirus-free home while you send yours out to the frontline like soldiers in World War One.

Imagine if they tried to fine me for it. A middle-class mother with a good job who shops at John Lewis treated like a common criminal. Forget the local paper; I’d be on the front of the Daily Mail.

Of course, I won’t let it go that far. After a couple of weeks my children will return to school alongside everyone else’s. This is, ultimately, a futile gesture.

But it’s one that’s made every notice me, and our children, and how special we are. So gaze upon us and feel envy. It’s all you’re good for.