I'm keeping my children off school because they're better than your children

By middle-class mother Francesca Johnson

ACROSS England, children are returning to school today. But not my children. Because they are better and more special than your children. 

They will be staying at home with me. I’ve told the school it’s because I don’t trust their Covid safety. I’ve told my boss I have no choice. I’ve even written to my MP.

But the real truth is that I’ve spotted an opportunity to be more precious about my children than you are about yours. And that makes them better, and makes me a better mother.

My children have always been better, of course. Their ballet and capoeira prowess alone proves that, let alone their academic achievements. How wonderful, though, to be able to prove it so definitively.

Just imagine the look of pitying superiority I’d give you if we met. My children safely tucked away in a coronavirus-free home while you send yours out to the frontline like soldiers in World War One.

Imagine if they tried to fine me for it. A middle-class mother with a good job who shops at John Lewis treated like a common criminal. Forget the local paper; I’d be on the front of the Daily Mail.

Of course, I won’t let it go that far. After a couple of weeks my children will return to school alongside everyone else’s. This is, ultimately, a futile gesture.

But it’s one that’s made every notice me, and our children, and how special we are. So gaze upon us and feel envy. It’s all you’re good for.

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London a really f**king crowded ghost town

THE city of London is a horrendously overcrowded ghost town, residents have confirmed.

Londoners are shocked to discover that though theatres remain shuttered and tourists are scarce, the capital is still home to nine million people always getting in your face.

Ryan Whittaker of Stepney said: “I keep seeing articles about how London is basically abandoned, but there are still thousands of the f**kers roaming around.

“I can’t move for bastards. People say you’re never more than six feet from a rat in London, but you’re also never more than two feet from some bloke with a beard breathing heavily.

“For a city that’s apparently been left gutted and lifeless by the pandemic there’s a f**k-tonne of people about. Maybe if there was a second, different pandemic at the same time?”

Historian Denys Finch Hatton said: “This has always been the case. During the Blitz, Londoner Jack Bates wrote in his diary ‘If everyone’s in bomb shelters or at war or been evacuated, how am I still queuing 20 minutes for powdered egg?’

“And in Daniel Defoe’s Journal of the Plague Year, he famously wrote: ‘During these times of Bubonic plague where so many have fled and so many hide in their homes, it seems to me there are still a great many souls about.’

“‘I do not speak out of turn when I say I would rather they all f**ked off.’”