Is your garden sufficiently middle class?

IS your garden middle-class enough to impress and intimidate your neighbours? Find out in our quiz:

Your shed is:

A. A ‘garden room’ that cost £20k, has Hague Blue walls, bifold doors and enough space for Noah to do his cello practice.

B. A ramshackle little hut full of spiders and broken strimmers left by the previous owners that I can’t be arsed to sort out.

How do you feel about your garden?

A. It’s an extension of my living space and allows me to be an aspirational wanker in the great outdoors.

B. It’s a garden.

What do you consider essential in a garden?

A. Something that shows the plebs next door that we are wealthier than them, such as a pizza oven or patio heater.

B. Some green stuff. Could be grass and bushes, or the mouldering rolls of discarded carpet I’ve been meaning to take to the dump for several years.

Do you have any indulgent bits of unnecessary kit taking up space?

A. If I’m honest, we haven’t used the pizza oven or patio heater since last year. But the garden is huge because we live in a detached house, so it doesn’t really matter.

B. The MK2 Golf GTI sitting on bricks takes up most of the garden. However, the kids enjoy playing The Fast and The Furious in it so it’s win-win really.

Do you encourage wildlife?

A. Lottie made a bee hotel at her Montessori nursery and we’re going to replace the the fence with a native shrub hedgerow at vast expense so we can virtue signal about the importance of reversing habitat loss.

B. Yes, we allow Liam from next door to sleep on the sun lounger overnight when he’s lost his keys on the way back from the pub.

Answers:

Mostly As: Your garden goes far beyond being sufficiently middle class and has become nauseatingly middle class. Which it should be, because you paid the gardener an eye-watering amount to make it so.

Mostly Bs: Because you don’t give a toss about it, your garden is full of nettles and brambles, making it a haven for wildlife. You are heroically fighting biodiversity loss by doing f**k all.

 

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Five ways to really f**k up buying your partner a present

HAVE you upset your partner with completely thoughtless gift-buying? Here are some classic f**k ups:

Confuse waist size with age

When shopping for someone of the opposite sex, clothing sizes are so confusing that they may as well be written in Wingdings. However, try and figure it out before you make a purchase as, if they are 42 years old and you panic-buy them something with a 42-inch waist, they will think you are completely f**king stupid. And they will be right.

Get what you like instead of what they like

Are you really into wild swimming whereas they freak out at the thought of getting in the bath? Don’t buy them a wetsuit, however much you want them to appreciate your passion. They will hate you for it, and also for wasting the money in the joint account.

Buy something ‘sexy’

Whether it’s men trying to buy nice lingerie or women thinking their partner will be into edible body paint, buying something sexy for your other half is a terrible idea. However much you spend the gift will be incredibly tacky, and will create so much pressure the next time you have sex that neither of you will want to do it again for six months.

Think they will appreciate a practical present

Does the toilet cistern need a new lid? Don’t for a second think that your partner will appreciate you buying them one for their birthday. While it’s true that they will get an awful lot of use out if it, you won’t because they’ll have kicked you out for being an unthoughtful dickhead.

Get a pet without consulting them

Unless you are giving it to a child, a surprise pet is never a good idea. While opening a box and finding a puppy in it is fun in the moment, having to spend the next 11 years picking its shit up and taking it to the vet is not, especially if you didn’t explicitly choose to.