IS your garden middle-class enough to impress and intimidate your neighbours? Find out in our quiz:
Your shed is:
A. A ‘garden room’ that cost £20k, has Hague Blue walls, bifold doors and enough space for Noah to do his cello practice.
B. A ramshackle little hut full of spiders and broken strimmers left by the previous owners that I can’t be arsed to sort out.
How do you feel about your garden?
A. It’s an extension of my living space and allows me to be an aspirational wanker in the great outdoors.
B. It’s a garden.
What do you consider essential in a garden?
A. Something that shows the plebs next door that we are wealthier than them, such as a pizza oven or patio heater.
B. Some green stuff. Could be grass and bushes, or the mouldering rolls of discarded carpet I’ve been meaning to take to the dump for several years.
Do you have any indulgent bits of unnecessary kit taking up space?
A. If I’m honest, we haven’t used the pizza oven or patio heater since last year. But the garden is huge because we live in a detached house, so it doesn’t really matter.
B. The MK2 Golf GTI sitting on bricks takes up most of the garden. However, the kids enjoy playing The Fast and The Furious in it so it’s win-win really.
Do you encourage wildlife?
A. Lottie made a bee hotel at her Montessori nursery and we’re going to replace the the fence with a native shrub hedgerow at vast expense so we can virtue signal about the importance of reversing habitat loss.
B. Yes, we allow Liam from next door to sleep on the sun lounger overnight when he’s lost his keys on the way back from the pub.
Mostly As: Your garden goes far beyond being sufficiently middle class and has become nauseatingly middle class. Which it should be, because you paid the gardener an eye-watering amount to make it so.
Mostly Bs: Because you don’t give a toss about it, your garden is full of nettles and brambles, making it a haven for wildlife. You are heroically fighting biodiversity loss by doing f**k all.