How to bore non-football fans shitless now the season is back

WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don’t give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics:

Talk endlessly about your fantasy team

For those who hate hearing people incessantly talk about football, the only thing more irritating is listening to them drone on about imaginary football. For that reason, endlessly discuss the team that you have picked for that week and the reasons why, despite the fact that it’s f**king pointless.

Keep checking your phone for score updates

In the era of smartphones, there is not a moment that cannot be spent checking for the latest score updates. All of Saturday should be spent on this tedious pastime, even if it means driving your football-hating companion insane. If there isn’t a game going on at the time check the latest transfer speculation every few minutes instead.

Allow the score to determine your mood

Perhaps some people in your party want to have fun? That’s all well and good when your team has won, but when they’ve lost, make sure that it ruins not just your mood, but that of those around you, too. Everyone should go home feeling as angry and disappointed as you perpetually do.

Act like every match is the biggest game ever

Claim that each week’s game is the biggest event of all time. When a non-football fan points out England’s recent success in the Euros, say they know nothing about real football and launch into a tedious explanation of how minor club matches can be more important than the big ones even plebs like them have heard of.

Be an immature bellend about anything to do with football

One of the worst characteristics of many football fans is how childish they can be. For that reason, display immaturity in abundance, and claim to hate anyone who happens to support another club. Also be unduly angry about referees, and sneer at anyone who says they do not like football.

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Taking out the rubbish and other things that make you wish you were f**king rich

THERE are some things in life you wish you were loaded enough to pay someone else to deal with. These will make you angry you’re not a millionaire:

Looking after your kids

After four hours of your toddler refusing to sleep, clawing at your eyes and kicking you in the throat, you begin see logic in the Kardashian-West approach. That is, throw money at the problem and employ a gaggle of nannies to raise your children while you go shopping.

Taking the rubbish out

There’s nothing like an unedifying tussle with a leaky, overstuffed rubbish bag to make you wish you were a shrewd dotcom billionaire who made a killing in the noughties and hasn’t looked at a bin since. Instead, here you are, in your pants, chasing the refuse lorry down the street at 6.14am.

Finding a parking space

If only you’d tried harder in school, this would be your chauffeur’s problem, and he’d be pulling your Rolls Royce into the entrance of a top Monte Carlo casino to drop you off. Instead, you’ve spent 25 minutes driving round the car park of a soft play centre, weeping as you try to find a spot for your battered Citroën Saxo.

Using public transport

Public transport is definitely only for the plebs. Block out the selection of lunatics that are always on every bus and train by daydreaming about being a Russian oligarch on a private jet or yacht. Yes, you’d be forever indebted to the shadowy world of Putin and the Kremlin, but at least you wouldn’t be on the 468 bus to South Croydon.

Cooking

Cooking can be a relaxing, therapeutic experience. Sometimes. More often than not, though, it’s a miserable, resentful attempt to make something vaguely edible from the few paltry ingredients you have in, in the shortest possible time. Imagine never having to ask ‘What shall we have for dinner?’ again because your private chef decides for you. Bliss.

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