WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don’t give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics:
Talk endlessly about your fantasy team
For those who hate hearing people incessantly talk about football, the only thing more irritating is listening to them drone on about imaginary football. For that reason, endlessly discuss the team that you have picked for that week and the reasons why, despite the fact that it’s f**king pointless.
Keep checking your phone for score updates
In the era of smartphones, there is not a moment that cannot be spent checking for the latest score updates. All of Saturday should be spent on this tedious pastime, even if it means driving your football-hating companion insane. If there isn’t a game going on at the time check the latest transfer speculation every few minutes instead.
Allow the score to determine your mood
Perhaps some people in your party want to have fun? That’s all well and good when your team has won, but when they’ve lost, make sure that it ruins not just your mood, but that of those around you, too. Everyone should go home feeling as angry and disappointed as you perpetually do.
Act like every match is the biggest game ever
Claim that each week’s game is the biggest event of all time. When a non-football fan points out England’s recent success in the Euros, say they know nothing about real football and launch into a tedious explanation of how minor club matches can be more important than the big ones even plebs like them have heard of.
Be an immature bellend about anything to do with football
One of the worst characteristics of many football fans is how childish they can be. For that reason, display immaturity in abundance, and claim to hate anyone who happens to support another club. Also be unduly angry about referees, and sneer at anyone who says they do not like football.