Jesus's guide to having a better Easter than him

HI. My first Easter wasn’t a barrel of laughs, but nowadays there are lots of things you can do without nailing anyone to a cross. Here’s my guide to a torture-free Easter.

Don’t crucify anyone

Easter can still be fun without brutal Roman punishments. Visiting relatives can be annoying, but resist the temptation to nail Uncle Geoff to a cross, however much he drones on about Brexit.

For fuck’s sake don’t take responsibility for mankind’s sins

Looking back, agreeing to die for mankind’s sins was a mistake. A slow, painful death puts a real downer on the bank holiday weekend, especially when there are so many other things to do. Have a mini-break in Paris instead.

Hold a garden party

Weather permitting, invite friends over for outdoor food and drinks. Pimms, prosecco and cocktails are all great summer thirst-quenchers, and much nicer than vinegar in a sponge on the end of a stick.

Don’t upset the Roman authorities

It’s unlikely you’re under the jurisdiction of the Romans if you live in, say, Crewe, but even so keep an eye out for soldiers coming to arrest you. With hindsight I should probably have legged it and opened a bar on the Costa Del Sol.

Organise an Easter egg hunt

Great fun for the kids. It requires a bit of effort, but not as much as dragging a massive cross up a hill, which I still feel was a fucking liberty considering I was the one getting nailed to it.

Have a family day out

Many National Trust sites and theme parks offer Easter discounts. This year I’m taking the whole family to Thorpe Park – me, God, Mary, my stepdad Joseph and that weird guy the Holy Ghost. We’re not really sure who he is, to be honest.

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Today is equivalent of Friday, please work accordingly, say bosses

BUSINESSES have warned employees that due to tomorrow’s bank holiday today is the equivalent of Friday and they should work accordingly.

Guidelines have been issued by the government and passed down by management to ensure that nobody does a full Thursday’s work before the premature end of the week.

Office manager Martin Bishop said: “The old hands laugh it off, saying ‘As if anyone was going to do anything today’, but we’ve got younger ones in the building and it’s new to them.

“We only have a Friday bank holiday once a year, and it’d break my heart to see people rushing around and getting stuff done like this wasn’t the last day of the week.

“I’ve had to grab a couple of the juniors and tell them to take it easy. ‘Just imagine it’s Friday,’ I said. ‘Would you really be doing all Leanne’s photocopying then?’”

Payroll executive Helen Archer said: “It’s weird. It’s technically a half-day like on Fridays, but I keep sitting at my desk with the urge to work even though I know it’d be wrong to.

“I’ve bought a 12-pack of Creme Eggs to remind me, and every time I accidentally glance at my screen I make myself have one. It’s working so far, although I do feel extremely sick.”