'Judge me not by the content of my character, but by the size of my headphones'

By Wayne Hayes

SOME have described it as a ‘pathetic and pointless contest’, while others have dismissed my fones as ‘very expensive earmuffs’.

Some have even called me a ‘pretentious twat’.

But I have now managed to cover almost half my skull with my headphones. Each ear piece is the size of a pudding bowl, while my dreary friends have achieved a diameter of not more than 7.5cm.

Jealous wretches say my headphones just look bigger because I’ve got a smaller head. They say it is cruel optical illusion and demand a re-measure.

Let them fondle their Beats by Dr Dre like the stone-colds losers they are.

As for me, I hope one day to have headphones the size of a pair of woks.

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Man bragging about sexual exploits being made fun of by all three women

A MAN is bragging about his so-called sexual exploits while all three women he has slept with are making fun of him behind his back.

The women are puzzled by Tom Logan’s ‘heroic’ tales and are putting the record straight with the specific and humiliating details of his poor lovemaking skills.

The trio have even started a Whatsapp group dedicated exclusively to Logan’s sexual incompetence.

One of the women said: “His premature ejaculation was actually a relief, although erectile dysfunction would have been preferable.”

Another added: “I faked a very realistic orgasm in order to move things along.

“He seemed to be genuinely confused as to what was going on.”