Kids spend three minutes in paddling pool which took three hours to fill

CHILDREN play for an average of 3.3 minutes in paddling pools that their parents spent all morning filling up, it has emerged. 

Parents who spent hours filling pools then going back and forth with kettles of hot water to get it to just the right temperature have been left distraught when their kids barely dip their toes in.  

Tom Logan said: “It took me all morning to set the bloody thing up. I’ve had to pump it up, then stand there holding a hosepipe in the blazing hot sun.  

“Then I topped it up with kettles and pans of hot water to make it just the right temperature, but I thought it would be worth it to see my angels’ smiling, happy faces when they jumped in. 

“The first thing my son said was ‘It’s too cold!’. It’s not a bloody bath, pal. Then my daughter took issue with a dead wasp and that was that. They were back inside playing on their Nintendo Switches. 

“I know when they will want to play in it though. The moment I f**king empty it or when it starts pissing it down with rain.  

“We didn’t want to waste all that effort, so my wife and I are in it. We’re sitting among the grass and dead flies drinking wine, like it’s a poor man’s hot tub.  

“It is bloody freezing though.” 

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Five types of bullshit you can get away with if you're gorgeous

GORGEOUS people are better than you, and deserve to live in a world without consequences. Here’s some of the bullshit behaviour they can get away with that us regular uggos can’t:

Not having a personality

Developing an identity takes ages and the pay-off is minimal. Sadly if you’re not a 10 then you have to go through the ball-ache of cultivating a personality, otherwise people won’t have a reason to talk to you. Why else do you think people drop a small fortune on surgery to improve their looks?  

Barefaced lying

You could catch a hottie shacking up with your partner and you still wouldn’t get mad as they try to lie their way out of it. It probably wasn’t what it looks like, you’ll think, as you get lost in their dreamy eyes and secretly hope their blatant adultery spirals into a steamy threesome.

Making empty promises

Commitments are for regular-looking people. Expecting stunners not to be flakes is unfair because they’re bombarded with more party invites and hot dates in a single afternoon than everyone else gets in a decade. If you’re ever lucky enough to have brunch with a gorgeous person, just try to live in the moment and savour it.

Petty crime

Even the most attractive of people can’t get away with something serious like murder, but the odd bit of shoplifting here and there will probably only land them with a slap on the wrist. Speeding, drug dealing and vandalism are just some of the many crimes they don’t need to worry about, while public nudity will land them a modelling contract.

Being ridiculously high-maintenance

Want to send a steak back to the kitchen for the fifth time because it isn’t the exact shade of pink you desire? Knock yourself out if you’re gorgeous. Try this sort of shit if you’ve got an underbite or a bald spot and you’ll find yourself slung out onto the streets faster than you can say ‘hypocrisy’.