Lame, crazy and other words desperately offensive to your Gen Z teen

THE vocabulary you use around your teenager must be interpreted as ungenerously as possible because you personally are the patriarchy and racism, mum. Avoid these: 


As a Gen X parent, emboldened by your correct use of ‘dude’, you attempt to win your scowling child’s favour by called the Red Hot Chilli Peppers lame even though you’ve seen them twice. She tore mercilessly into you for associating disability with negativity. Good luck trying to rebuild that bridge.


You might have thought describing the council’s new bin collection schedule as ‘crazy’ was a common idiom with no prejudicial intent. You were very wrong. As your son pointed out, mental health advocates aren’t laying down their lives, which they aren’t, so you can go around stigmatising them, which you aren’t.


Knowing your daughter lionises YouTubers who give out money, you boast you did a good deed and bought a Big Issue from a homeless guy. When it’s ‘person experiencing homelessness’, or ‘unhoused person’, if you can get that into your condescending judgmental 90s skull.

‘Spirit animal’

Back in 2016 you shared a fun meme to your family group chat, saying ‘This platypus is my spirit animal’. Your son, who was innocently searching your posts for anything he can hate you for, found it. You’re blocked and staying blocked until you stop being complicit in the genocide of Native Americans. Possibly First Peoples. Definitely Indigenous.


Even though you were describing Jacob Rees-Mogg, who your kid hates with ever-burning passion and also makes frequent memes about, this off-hand comment turned into a lecture about intellectual disability and your complicity in eugenics and hate speech.


If you think any of the above are ‘dumb’, break down and weep with shame. Wanker. Which is still fine, for now.

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Shock new poll showing millions of dickheads still voting Tory

A NEW YouGov poll shows that not only will millions of idiots continue to vote Conservative at the next election, the party could win up to 169 seats. 

The poll surveyed 14,000 people and broke results down by constituency to discover that, scarcely believable though it seems, Jacob Rees-Mogg will remain an MP.

Polling expert Denys Finch Hatton said: “This is a wake-up call for Britain. The last 14 years and there are still muppets out there voting f**king Tory?

“Yes, they’ll lose 196 seats including all their Red Wall ones and loads they’ve held for decades in the south, but look at the map. There’s still plenty of blue out there, encircling our cities, ready to strike.

“If you’re still voting Conservative after the Johnson-Truss-Sunak combination then there’s something f**king wrong with you. There’s even Reform UK in there to siphon off the proper headbangers and twats are still doing it.

“This poll isn’t something to be celebrated. It confirms that we may turn the tide for a little while – perhaps 10 or 15 years, enough time to repair some of the damage – but the Tories will ruin this country in the end.”

Senior Conservative Lord Frost said: “This poll shows that voters are increasingly turning to left-wing policies. So to win we have to go all the way hard right.”