Mum furious you didn't tell her David Bowie was dead

A MOTHER is outraged that her son – her own flesh and blood – did nothing to inform her about the 2016 death of David Bowie despite his being fully aware. 

Carolyn Ryan, aged 67, expects son Joseph to keep her up to date with this kind of thing but apparently he has had better things to talk about for the last eight years.

She said: “What’s this in the paper? David Bowie? Dead? And this is how I’m finding out?

“You used to have his records. When were you thinking of getting round to telling me about this? I get an hour of your trellis coming down in the wind but not a word about the chameleon of rock, it said he was, having passed on?

“Who knows how I could have embarrassed myself? Especially as you know I mix him up with Alvin Stardust. What if I’d said something when I was at the hairdressers? 36 hours in labour and this is the thanks I get.”

Joseph Ryan, aged 42, said: “This is part of my role description as son now? Since f**king when?”

“And it’s not like I was a massive fan. I mean I bought Blackstar on vinyl like everyone else but I can’t say I ever listen to it.”

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Vegans don't talk about it all the time when it's just them

A NEW study of veganism has discovered that adherents of plant-based diets do not discuss them when restricted to only other vegans for company.

Vegans, who are renowned for being able to turn conversation on subjects ranging from The Traitors to air mattresses to the Nicene Creed into conversations about veganism, are markedly less keen to discuss veganism when everyone is one.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “After the deafening initial 45 seconds it took for all parties to tell each other they were vegans, conversation really dipped.

“A couple haltingly continued outlining the tenets and benefits of veganism until their interlocutors said ‘Yeah I know thanks, I’m vegan’ and it all ground to a halt.

“They tried to discuss normal things, using a list of topics we’d written on a whiteboard to help them along, but two minutes into a chat about the Lake District one said ‘Of course factory farming is worse then genocide,’ and they rushed to agree then lapsed into silence.

“After an hour a few had managed basic chats about their jobs, marital situations and hobbies, as you would with a foreign penfriend, but they weren’t happy. You could see it wasn’t what they want to talk about.”

He added: “Two hours in, one muttered ‘Does anyone else miss cheese?’ Nobody replied.”