LEATHER sofas are only owned by parents and perverts who need wipe-clean furniture, retailers have confirmed.
Owners of leather sofas and armchairs confirm there is no other reason to make the centrepiece of your living room a cold, creaky and uncomfortable seating experience.
Donna Sheridan of Tewkesbury said: “Imagine the ideal sofa. It’s soft, warm, enveloping you in its cosy embrace, like sitting on a giant, comfy teddy bear.
“Leather sofas aren’t like that. They’re freezing in winter, sweaty in summer, and make an unpleasantly flatulent noise every time you collapse down on them.
“And they’re either big, shapeless lumps that look like a punctured buffalo, or poncey Chesterfields owned by pricks pretending they live in a 1930s gentleman’s club.
“So, yes, the only reason we have one is so that we can easily clean up smears of yoghurt, hummus and vomit, because we’re on the parenting side of the equation. Other people – childless couples browsing them in DFS – are swingers and sick freaks.”
Husband Stephen Sheridan said: “On the other hand I can have a late-night wank without worry. And I do.”