Did you think it was a good idea to decorate your home with vapid inspirational quotes? These trite phrases are mocking you from your walls right now:
Love begins at home
After all these weeks of lockdown, the only thing that ‘begins at home’ is grinding boredom and a rising loathing for whoever you live with. Replace this stencilled message with the cross-stitch you’ve completed saying ‘I hate you all so f**king much’.
Dance like nobody’s watching
Ignores the obvious truth that, for 99 people out of 100, when nobody’s watching they don’t bother dancing.
Be the change you want to see in the world – Gandhi
Given the current state of the world, this is a hell of a lot to ask, Mahatma. Teams of top scientists and politicians are failing to fend off this shitstorm. How about laying off the guilt trip while I lie here eating crisps and binge-watching Frasier?
Collect moments, not things
Not the quote to have looming over you at a time when online shopping is one of your only permitted distractions from the nuclear shitfest that is everything. Why not ‘collect’ the ‘moment’ when you paint over this message?
Excuse the mess, the children are making memories
When you put this cheeky, cute message on the wall, the children were only making memories at weekends. Now there’s always at least one of them self-isolating from school, dumping all over your life. Best tactic: drink enough to make no memories at all.
The best is yet to come
It f**king well better be.