'Live, Laugh, Love': the inspirational phrases you put on the wall that make you look like an idiot

Did you think it was a good idea to decorate your home with vapid inspirational quotes? These trite phrases are mocking you from your walls right now:

Love begins at home

After all these weeks of lockdown, the only thing that ‘begins at home’ is grinding boredom and a rising loathing for whoever you live with. Replace this stencilled message with the cross-stitch you’ve completed saying ‘I hate you all so f**king much’.

Dance like nobody’s watching

Ignores the obvious truth that, for 99 people out of 100, when nobody’s watching they don’t bother dancing.

Be the change you want to see in the world – Gandhi

Given the current state of the world, this is a hell of a lot to ask, Mahatma. Teams of top scientists and politicians are failing to fend off this shitstorm. How about laying off the guilt trip while I lie here eating crisps and binge-watching Frasier? 

Collect moments, not things

Not the quote to have looming over you at a time when online shopping is one of your only permitted distractions from the nuclear shitfest that is everything. Why not ‘collect’ the ‘moment’ when you paint over this message?

Excuse the mess, the children are making memories

When you put this cheeky, cute message on the wall, the children were only making memories at weekends. Now there’s always at least one of them self-isolating from school, dumping all over your life. Best tactic: drink enough to make no memories at all.

The best is yet to come

It f**king well better be.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Government launches vaccine advent calendar

A NEW advent calendar released by the government allows Britons to count down until they are eligible to receive the coronavirus vaccine. 

The calendar, to be rolled out across the whole country for December 1st, will give everyone the festive thrill of opening little doors until the big day when they can safely mix with others again.

Health secretary Matt Hancock, so convinced his days are numbered that he has not even tweeted to defend Priti Patel, said: “You people like advent calendars and that kind of shit, yeah?

“So go to the dot gov website, enter your details and by next weekend you’ll get your personalised calendar in the post.

“If you’re a healthcare worker, you’ll have a mere 24 windows to open until the big day. If you’re under 45 with no pre-existing condition, it’ll be wall-sized with 365 joyous windows to pop and enjoy.

“To make it more fun, every day will reveal a photograph of a Conservative MP. Who will it be tomorrow? Gareth Bacon, member for Orpington? Kemi Badenoch, member for Saffron Walden? Fun for the whole family.

“Better yet, the World Health Organisation has confirmed it’s safe to enjoy alongside your existing Celebrations, Lindt or gin calendar. What larks.”