Londoners spend every weekend pretending to live in different bit of London

A LONDON couple spend all their weekends claiming to live in a nearby but better part of London, their friends have confirmed. 

Tom and Sophie Logan officially live on a shithole road above a nail bar in Balham but according to their conversations, shopping habits and pubgoing live just over a mile away in Putney.

Friend Susan Traherne said: “I was furious when I realised they were no distance from Balham tube station. They’ve had me going to Putney every fucking time.

“They meet you in Putney, they take you around Putney with easy familiarity and Mr Benn jokes, they get you pissed in Putney then suddenly an Uber whisks you to an undisclosed location.

“Then in the morning you walk two miles to their ‘local’ baker, who does seem to recognise them, for pastries before they go to pick up a few things at Putney market like it’s handy to do so.

“The irony is I’d love to live in Balham but I can’t afford it. I have to live in Wood Green. Well, I think of it as Crouch End.”

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Buckingham Palace gift incinerator at maximum capacity

THE Royal gift incinerator is working at maximum capacity, it has been confirmed.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “Hand-made cards done by crayon-wielding idiots, boxes of plebby chocolates, crummy garage flowers…

“It’s going to take years to burn all this stuff, with a team of nine gift-cremators working around the clock.

“That’s not to say the royal family don’t appreciate getting these presents. They use the energy to heat the palace.”