Making friends share posts for 'good luck', and other signs you're an online moron

HAVE you got Lionel Messi as your Twitter pic? Are you always the top replier to Piers Morgan? Here’s how your online presence can reveal you are in fact a raging simpleton.

You share posts that friends also have to share for ‘good luck’

Whatever powerful deity rules over the universe, it’s doubtful that he or she is making decisions based on your Facebook feed. If anything, plaguing friends with this mindless shit is likely to send bad karma your way.

You reply to celebrities you fancy on Twitter – a lot

No matter how many times you tell Rachel Riley ‘Good morning’, or that she looked nice in that dress on Countdown today, it’s not that likely she’ll leave her husband and family for a random stranger on the internet. Even if you use emojis.

You are always asking friends for recommendations on Facebook

Waste everyone’s time with endless dull questions about a good place to eat in Hendon or a reliable cleaner in Truro. You know you aren’t going to use their suggestions. They know you aren’t going to use their suggestions. Google exists. Try using it.

You retweet shit that says ‘1 RT = 1 Respect’

You do know that soldiers managed to fight in wars successfully for hundreds of years without you spamming everyone’s feed with a badly-photoshopped poppy, right?

You take posts from satirical news websites literally

Has China got a new rocket that can destroy the Earth’s core, every human and all the Morlocks living underground? Skim read obviously made-up stuff and bombard your friends with it as if it’s true. Or perhaps try using a thing known as ‘your brain’.

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A day in the life of a cancelled right-wing gobshite

By Norman Steele

CANCEL culture is ruining Britain by stopping people like me being heard, apart from on TV, in the newspapers and on the internet. Here is a day in my terrible life.

8am. Wake up in hell. Well, actually it’s my three-bedroom house in a salubrious part of North London, but I’ve been thrown into the hell of a Twitter spat for saying every employee in the UK will be forced to ‘take the knee’ when they arrive at work or face the sack. Yes, it was purely speculation on my part, but that’s free speech.

11.30am. Back from a traumatic hospital experience. I turned up and asked, in the Queen’s English, to be let into the hospital I pay my taxes for so I could stand in reception and bellow about the ‘plandemic’. They refused to let me in, obviously worried about the lies I would uncover. Meanwhile, immigrant staff were being allowed to wander around freely.

2.30pm. Went to my local police station. When asked what my business was I informed them I was turning myself in because I’d enjoyed the episode of Fawlty Towers where the Major uses a racial epithet and I needed to be immediately thrown into jail. The desk sergeant told me to stop wasting police time. Cancel culture has even infected the police, as I later explained on Julia Hartley-Brewer’s nationally broadcast Talkradio show.

6.30pm. Watched some of the Donald Trump impeachment trial. That poor man has suffered terribly from people trying to cancel him, and all whilst he was working very hard to cancel an election result. And he was cancelled from Twitter, which should be open to anyone wanting to incite deadly violence. But that’s cancel culture for you.