WHAT do the stars predict for your Valentine’s Day? Here is a very definite and not-at-all made up insight into the most romantic day of the year.
Despite lockdown you will definitely have sex with a stranger named Malcolm whose nose whistles as he climaxes. It’s not an auspicious match though as he’ll dump you by text on Tuesday afternoon.
A petrol station at Clacket Lane Eastbound on the M25 brings love in the form of a white van man. You prang his door with your car, he is overcome with desire.
A painful incident with a hot cup of coffee and your genitals finds you in A&E where you meet a caring nurse with a good heart and gentle fingers. You will marry quickly and divorce after 20 tedious years. Your children will resent you.
Love is in the air, Aries, specifically at 7.37am when you receive a call from an unknown number. If you miss it because you’re asleep, the heavens say you will definitely die alone.
You may feel lonely this year, and that’s because no one finds you remotely attractive, funny or interesting. Chin up, though, because at least you can blame it on lockdown and not your personality.
The two faces of Gemini are said to resemble your fascinating dual nature, but really everyone knows you’re a nasty piece of work who gossips behind people’s backs. No romance for you today, you don’t deserve it.
Love opens a parcel with four stamps. It’s not yours, you stole it from the DHL man, but he is so intimidated by you that he agrees to move in to your house and pretend to love you forever.
If you’ve been waiting for a special question from your partner, today is the day it comes. Hopefully that question is ‘Have you seen the nail scissors?’ otherwise you are destined for disappointment.
You will be needing antibiotics by the middle of March.
Children are about to play a bigger part in your life, thanks to that one-night stand you had at the end of October. Are you ready? No? Tough luck.
A neighbour who you considered a friend will make romantic advances today. Will it be pensioner Gerald from one side or creepy Sandra from the other? Actually it will be both.
You and your partner will have perfunctory sex at 10pm before going to sleep with the news left on. We know this because it’s what you do every week.