Your extremely specific and 100 per cent accurate Valentine's Day horoscope

WHAT do the stars predict for your Valentine’s Day? Here is a very definite and not-at-all made up insight into the most romantic day of the year.

Capricorn

Despite lockdown you will definitely have sex with a stranger named Malcolm whose nose whistles as he climaxes. It’s not an auspicious match though as he’ll dump you by text on Tuesday afternoon.

Aquarius

A petrol station at Clacket Lane Eastbound on the M25 brings love in the form of a white van man. You prang his door with your car, he is overcome with desire.

Pisces

A painful incident with a hot cup of coffee and your genitals finds you in A&E where you meet a caring nurse with a good heart and gentle fingers. You will marry quickly and divorce after 20 tedious years. Your children will resent you.

Aries

Love is in the air, Aries, specifically at 7.37am when you receive a call from an unknown number. If you miss it because you’re asleep, the heavens say you will definitely die alone.

Taurus

You may feel lonely this year, and that’s because no one finds you remotely attractive, funny or interesting. Chin up, though, because at least you can blame it on lockdown and not your personality.

Gemini

The two faces of Gemini are said to resemble your fascinating dual nature, but really everyone knows you’re a nasty piece of work who gossips behind people’s backs. No romance for you today, you don’t deserve it.

Cancer

Love opens a parcel with four stamps. It’s not yours, you stole it from the DHL man, but he is so intimidated by you that he agrees to move in to your house and pretend to love you forever.

Leo

If you’ve been waiting for a special question from your partner, today is the day it comes. Hopefully that question is ‘Have you seen the nail scissors?’ otherwise you are destined for disappointment.

Virgo

You will be needing antibiotics by the middle of March.

Libra

Children are about to play a bigger part in your life, thanks to that one-night stand you had at the end of October. Are you ready? No? Tough luck.

Scorpio

A neighbour who you considered a friend will make romantic advances today. Will it be pensioner Gerald from one side or creepy Sandra from the other? Actually it will be both.

Sagittarius

You and your partner will have perfunctory sex at 10pm before going to sleep with the news left on. We know this because it’s what you do every week.

 

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Five things dickheads think are like the Nazis

MORONS are quick to compare all sorts of things to Nazi Germany, the one period of history they have cursory knowledge of. Here’s what they think is similar to the Third Reich.

Consequences of actions

So, you’ve just been fired from your job because you acted in a really unprofessional way. Is that because you live in an authoritarian regime or because bad actions deserve punishment? It’s the latter, because in an actual dictatorship you’d have been shot.

Seatbelts

According to nutters, seatbelts are just one of many examples of the authoritarian state creeping into our everyday lives. From their point of view democracy means the freedom to be flung through the windscreen of your car. Also, evil though he was, it’s unlikely Hitler was in favour of road accidents.

Any sort of censorship

Cretins are always passionate advocates of free speech, by which they mean the right to share bigoted opinions without censure. However, when you use your own free speech to tell them to stop talking shit, they’ll call you a ‘woke Nazi’ or some other combination of hysterical terms that don’t make sense.

Social media

Having a platform to do stuff like share your bigoted views sounds curiously Nazi-like. However, nutjobs think that social media companies deciding to remove those people is actually the Nazi-like thing going on here. They’ll claim it’s the start of a slippery slope, but they also think ‘liberal fascism’ is a thing, so it’s probably safe to ignore them.

Guardian readers

Bellends love to point out that Nazi is short for National Socialist, implying this means that left-leaning Guardian readers are basically Himmler in Crocs. However, despite the name, everyone knows the Nazis would have got along famously with your average Daily Mail reader.