Woman misses going to other people's houses and judging them

A WOMAN is pining for the days when she could visit other people’s houses and make highly critical observations about them.

Mary Fisher has gone without sneering at the furniture and feature walls of her friends’ houses for months, and is struggling to cope without her favourite pastime.

Fisher said: “My friend Susan has bought a bungalow that looks way too small for what she paid, and I want nothing more than to pop round and say it looks ‘really cosy’.

“She wouldn’t even have to be there. She could leave a spare key under the doormat and I’ll let myself in to have a good old snicker at her tacky marble laminate kitchen worktops.

“I’ll sanitise the door handles and wear a mask. I feel like a junkie going cold turkey, so if this doesn’t count as an essential visit then I don’t know what does.”

Susan Traherne said: “I deliberately bought this place because I knew it would wind Mary up. It’s a huge financial loss on my part, but it’s worth it knowing that she’s going spare.”

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Everyone secretly grateful for complete losers who write Amazon reviews

CONSUMERS agree that people who write product reviews on Amazon are pitiful losers, despite reading every single one and finding them very helpful.

Those who take the time to rate something they bought online have been confirmed as terminally pathetic saddoes, whilst simultaneously being heavily relied on by people making their own purchases.

Tom Logan said: “Anyone who gets their new kettle and then goes back onto Amazon to give it three stars and say it’s a good size but the logo rubbed off after two weeks is a total moron with too much time on their hands.

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t truly appreciate their service and have used that information to make a more informed choice. No one wants their kettle to look prematurely aged, do they?”

Emma Bradford said: “The world needs to know that the Amazon Basics USB type-C cable was ‘nothing to write home about’. I simply can’t sleep at night knowing people might buy it and expect it to be a four-star product.

“Yes, I’m very fulfilled in life, thank you.”