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Man can't remember last time he mooned

A REFORMED character has admitted he cannot bring to mind the last occasion when he exposed his bare buttocks to the world as a statement. 

Martin Bishop, aged 38, is now so far removed from his mooning youth that he is a Lib Dem councillor but misses the clear, forthright communication that was dropping his trousers and pressing his bottom through the rear window of a moving car.

Bishop said: “It was an accepted gesture of non-compliance when I was young, much more effective than the middle finger or V-sign. I’d call it performance art.

“I did it at school, Mr Bishop never catching me because he couldn’t positively identify it was my arse. I did it in Magaluf against a bar window, and then successfully chatted up the woman I’d mooned at. I did it off a motorway bridge.

“I even did it after being dumped by a girl once, at the end of her garden path with her parents watching. I like to think they still talk about me from time to time.

“God, when was the last time? Maybe Warren’s stag do, when I pressed these now-hirsute buttocks against a minibus window and mooned a whole nightclub queue to the applause of the men? Years ago.

“Do men still moon? Or have smartphones killed this cheeky form of self-expression, like everything else good in this world? I hope so. I hope so for their sakes.”

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Kim Wilde, and other pop stars who'd make a lovely mum

THE Beckham feud reveals having Victoria as a mother isn’t all easy, even when she doesn’t sing. These pop star mothers would be infinitely preferable: 

Kim Wilde

Kim has successfully transitioned from universally-fancied pouty 80s heartthrob to nice respectable gardening mum, so you wouldn’t feel intimidated bringing friends back. And Kids In America is a classic, meaning there’s even musical respect. There’s really no downside except being crushed in a stampede of aroused dads in the garden centre.

Dua Lipa

Remember how patient Dua was with that bellend playing her a shite song at Glastonbury? Those are parenting skills. She reads a lot, giving her something to do while sitting waiting for your interminable ballet classes to end, and seems kind. Obviously she needs time to age into the role, but that’s okay. You’re not doing anything.

Adele

The advantage of Adele as your mum, apart from unbelievable wealth, is how understanding she’d be about your teenage breakups. Heartbroken after Kayden was seen snogging Ava at the bus stop? Mum would know how you feel. Series of doomed relationships in your 20s? Leaving your husband because you’ve met someone hotter? Mum’s been there.

Kate Bush

The ideal parent for an arty child, nurturing your talents until you too were summarising gothic novels on a mandolin. Kate wouldn’t chastise you after a bad parents’ evening, agreeing the teachers just didn’t understand your creativity and encouraging you to work it out in a charcoal sketch. However phones, social media and TV would all be banned.

Emma Bunton

Baby Spice always seemed nice and sane. She wouldn’t hijack the first dance at your wedding. She wouldn’t intimidate your new girlfriend by being as famous as the girlfriend would like to be. She wouldn’t try to squeeze into the old Union Jack minidress after a night on the gin. She probably bakes.

Billie Piper

Always seems pleasant and grounded and a very cool mum if you’re a Doctor Who fan, assuming there are any left. One problem: if you’re 22 now in the Billie-is-your-mum timeline there’s a possibility Chris Evans would be your divorced dad. If you’re younger? Laurence Fox. Lovely as Billie is, she has made questionable choices.

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