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Man fails to get himself in mood for wank

A MAN’s attempt to treat himself to a solo sexual experience while on a business trip has foundered on his own lack of interest. 

Martin Bishop checked into a Premier Inn yesterday evening, anticipating a night of flirtatious lone fantasy culminating in unhurried, languorous masturbation.

He said: “Usually it’s what I build the evening around. Don’t judge me. There’s not much else to do in Loughborough.

“I browse a little on my phone, shower, lay out nude watching Pointless and eating the complimentary biscuits, slowly building up to taking myself firmly in hand. But last night? I wasn’t feeling it.

“Undeterred and determined to make the most of this opportunity, I took myself out to dinner. Maybe a few glasses of wine would help get the juices flowing. Or, you know, two tins of rosé from Sainsbury’s after my KFC.

“Unfortunately, I kept having invasive thoughts about the next day’s presentation and couldn’t focus. Every time I thought about Salma Hayek I ended up back on disappointing Q2 regional sales.

“I was lying there, knob in hand, porn on phone, the moment couldn’t have been more right. And nothing. Eventually I gave up, turned over in a huff and went to sleep.

“Ah, there’s nothing so lonely as lying in a budget hotel’s king-size bed with no desire to touch yourself.”

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The nightmare of dating Ariana Grande, by her ex

YEAH, it’s over between me, Ethan Slater the Munchkin from Wicked, and elfin Ariana. Honestly it’s a relief. This is what I’ve had to put with for three years: 

The gushing crap

You may have noticed that Ariana gets emotional. At first it’s cute, but it soon gets on your tits. She said ‘I am blessed by such an unconditional gesture of love’ after I changed the batteries in the remote.

Cynthia Erivo coming round 

I mean, that wasn’t normal, was it? Cynthia used to turn up and they’d sit there mysteriously holding hands and ‘healing the missing chunks of each other’, apparently. I’m still not sure what that was about, but I’m looking forward to having a girlfriend with normal mates who sit there silently implying she could do much better.

The pretentiousness 

Any boyfriend of Ariana needs to be able to listen to things like ‘I’m processing the space between the notes’ and ‘I had to build a facade to survive the art’ and nod and smile encouragingly. It needn’t be something you split up over. I wore earbuds.

The therapy-speak 

I think all boyfriends love to be asked questions like: ‘Are you afraid to be emotionally available?’ Little tip: ‘I left my wife and newborn baby for you’ is, somehow, not the right answer.

The frigging tattoos 

Ariana loves ink, especially in Japanese and Hebrew, and that’s an accident waiting to happen. She still doesn’t know that what’s meant to be her album title actually says ‘joyful chopstick embolism’. And now I’ll never have to be the one to tell her.

Accidentally knocking her over by moving through a room too quickly

Not with physical contact. Just the rush of air caused by my passage sends her flying, then she’s on top of the bookshelf behind a Grammy and you’ve got to get her down with a broom.

Bloody Wicked

If you go out with Ariana you’re going to hear a lot about Wicked, and I say that as someone who was in it. But with her it’s all about how she and Glinda shared the same pain. I call bullshit on that until she’s offers proof she lost her best friend saving a land of oppressed magic animals.

The weeping 

I’m all for showing emotion – I work in musical theatre – but with Ariana it’s all the time. Weeping for five minutes is not an appropriate response to seeing a dead flower, running out of rice cakes, or being perfectly happy. I’m just glad I won’t be around next time the U-bend blocks.

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