Man suspicious of tattooist with zero tattoos

A MAN is reconsidering his decision to get a tattoo after noticing that the tattooist had decided not to get any herself.

Tom Logan, 41, had been wanting to get an intricate tattoo of an eagle playing a flaming drumkit ever since university, but felt the tattooist’s complete lack of unsightly ink drawings suggested there might be some drawback to the procedure.

Logan said: “Tattooists are meant to have tattoos. Not having any just looks wrong, like the Pope wearing a basketball top. That’s why he wears a cassock. It shows he’s got confidence in his product.

“When I get a tattoo I expect the tattooist to be absolutely covered in the things to overcome my misgivings. What does this one know that everyone else doesn’t?”

Tattooist Nikki Hollis said: “I’m more into this for the money than the lifestyle. Do I want Nicholas Cage’s face on my ankle, or a sleeve tattoo that just looks as if I’m going mouldy? I think I can live without that. 

“My body is a temple, and you don’t scrawl graffiti on a holy building. You certainly wouldn’t paint a skeleton on a motorbike on it.”

Logan is now intending to find another tattooist, saying: “I want someone who has at least one tattoo of a creepy face that looks nothing like the person it’s supposed to be – ideally Freddie Mercury, with ‘Rest in Peace, Fredy’ above it. 

“Then, when I’m getting mine done, I can think ‘Thank God it’s not as bad as that.’”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Dumped man somehow thinks he's getting mixed messages

A MAN who has been explicitly told he is dumped is still managing to read mixed messages into the situation, it has emerged.

James Bates was told by Lucy Parry in no uncertain terms that their relationship was over, there was no chance of recovering it, and they should both move on, yet he is still picking up a hint of subtext.

He said: “Sure, Lucy’s moved out, taken all her things with her and blocked me on social media. But methinks the lady doth protest too much.

“By saying she no longer loves me, does that really mean she loves me more than ever? Women are complicated creatures like that so maybe she’s trying to bamboozle me with some reverse psychology.

“Dumping me must be part of the chase that all women love. She’s clearly trying to recreate the giddy early days of our relationship when I would vie for her attention by messaging ‘hi’ on Tinder. It couldn’t be more obvious.

“Apparently she’s already been seen with another bloke, which is a signal that she misses me and wants us to give things another go. I’d better text her when I’m drunk to seal the deal.”

Parry said: “Silly me, I should have told James I wanted to get married and have kids. That would’ve got him to f**k off sharpish.”