Man washing car a disturbing number of times

A MAN’S neighbour has been washing his Ford Galaxy a frankly distressing amount of times, it has emerged.

When Tom Logan first saw Steve Malley cleaning his car at the start of lockdown he was impressed by him using the free time to get chores done, but now just finds it worrying. 

Logan said: “He’s out there at least four times a week, washing his already clean car. What’s he up to? Is he murdering people and washing away the evidence? 

“Or has he suffered a head injury so he’s stuck reliving every day over and over again, unable to remember anything? That’s really upsetting to think about.

“Or maybe he has no life and washes the car because he literally can’t think of anything else to do. That’s pretty sad too.

“It’s particularly distressing now it’s hot, because it’s like he’s in some sort of wet t-shirt contest that only he entered, and there are no winners, only one soggy loser.” 

Malley said: “There’s nothing like getting your car obsessively clean while listening to Craig David on Magic FM. Although I think I may have rubbed a hole in the bonnet.”

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The new coronavirus rules for us and them explained

DESPITE the UK’s coronavirus rules changing next week, it seems likely that some people won’t have to stick to them. Here we explain the new two-tier system.

Family visits

Us: Two families will be allowed to visit but with no hugs or handshakes.

Them: If you’re a politician or spad, invite your entire posh family of 50 people to the family mansion and get ready to PAAARTAY! Hugs and kisses with your siblings Anastasia, ‘Boffo’ and Octavius are fine because you have good genes.


Us: Most will reopen but with so many plastic shields in place you’ll feel like you’re in a futuristic sci-fi prison.

Them: Just get Fortnum & Mason to deliver. 

Track and trace

Us: If alerted by NHS Track and Trace you will be compelled to isolate for 14 days.

Them: If your liberty is threatened, the traditional honorable approach of the ruling class is to do a runner, like Lord Lucan. Hotfoot it to a friend’s isolated cottage or just have an extra Caribbean holiday this year. When you’re later asked why you did this, say your phone was turned off. For three weeks.

Pubs and restaurants

Us: These will open but with irksome and ineffective social distancing measures in place.

Them: Not really a problem. The exclusive clubs you attend are quite spacious anyway, and it’s not as if you’re a regular at grimy proletarian hellholes like Pizza Express.

Getting your hair cut

Us: You can get your hair done, but since hairdressing makes social distancing virtually impossible you may as well cut out the middleman and go straight to A&E.

Them: Coronavirus is for the little people, so just get your hair cut as normal. If a hairdresser suggests you observe basic social distancing, get one of your mates to write a furious column about it in the Telegraph entitled ‘This hairdressing madness has got to stop’.