Your guide to making eye contact during coronavirus

EYE contact is hard to get right at the best of times, but with people wearing masks it’s trickier than ever. Here’s how to not look creepy or mental.

When to avoid it

Most of the time. People are absolutely mad for a bit of eye contact at the moment, but the last thing you want is to accidentally start a conversation or, worse, a friendship. Keep your eyes down at all times unless you want people to actually say hello to you. Which you don’t, unless you’re a psychopath or a Northerner.

When to prolong it

If you think there’s a chance of romance or some sexual frisson going on, prolong that stare. It may come across as creepy but you’ve got to chance your arm sometimes. If you secretly fancy the woman on the checkout at Morrisons give her at least five seconds of eye contact that says, “I’ll be back for you when this is all over. And they have pasta back in stock.”

How long is too long?

If you’re one of those intense people who’s fine with eye contact, otherwise known as ‘nutters’, you may be tempted to look at someone for too long. If someone looks visibly scared, maybe look away occasionally. Practise not overdoing eye contact by looking into a mirror and checking you do not have the mad stare of Hitler.

When to shut your eyes and keep them closed

Whenever some weird relative like Auntie Carol is offering more unwarranted, witless opinions on anything to do with coronavirus, Brexit or foreigners. It’s rude, but looking at her while she speaks will just encourage her.

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Sex shops preparing for rise in postman-related fetish wear

SEX shops are stocking up on postman-themed costumes due to people developing a kink for them during lockdown.

The lack of human contact with anyone except postal workers has resulted in large numbers of inquiries from both men and women about ‘postie gear’.

Soho sex shop manager Tom Logan said: “At first I thought it was weird, but after nine weeks in lockdown I suppose postmen were bound to become a sexual thing.

“I don’t understand the short-sleeved shirt, cargo pants and white ankle socks look myself, but we embrace all manner of perversions here and I’m not going to judge. 

“I said I’d look into trying to source them, but it’s a challenge because ‘postman’ has never been on the list of essential worker costumes we stock. We’ve got plenty of sexy nurse outfits, but thanks to the virus they just terrify people. 

“Luckily we’ve been able to get some Royal Mail anoraks and satchels. If you wear them with a thong and pretend to deliver an electricity bill you’re in for some sexy fun.”