Man wearing rucksack on both shoulders

COMMUTERS want to know why a man who gets the same train wears his rucksack on both shoulders.

The commuters, who gather in the same place on the platform every morning for the 08.12 train, have observed that the man does not appear to have any valid excuse, such as being a French exchange student or the small child from Sleepless in Seattle.

Nikki Hollis said: “Everyone knows that a rucksack on a grown man screams ‘emotionally stunted techie’, so it’s essential to wear it casually over one shoulder. Then it says ‘emotionally stunted techie but just possibly a cool one who cracks codes for MI5.’

“Wearing your rucksack over both shoulders just says, ‘Still lives with his mother’.

“The rucksack was half open yesterday and he had what looked like a high tech laptop but also some couscous in a Tupperware box.

“Let’s just say I don’t think they eat couscous at MI5.”

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'I hadn't had anything to eat,' confirms everyone who can't handle their ale

EVERYONE who gets pissed on a couple of drinks is continuing to insist it was because they had not had a proper meal that day.

The Institute for Studies found that everyone who said their behaviour was due to a lack of food was actually just trying to cover up the fact they cannot handle their booze.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Getting up and dancing on tables and singing Sweet Caroline at the top of your lungs is fine.

“As long as everyone else is as well and they’re not just watching you and solemnly shaking their heads.”

Easily drunk, Martin Bishop added: “Yes, last night I may have drank four pints of lager and wound up lighting a cigarette from the wrong end before chastising my brother-in-law for his failings as a hod carrier.

“I don’t smoke and I’m not married so you can probably see why I was so embarrassed when I woke up this morning.”

“But in my defence I hadn’t eaten properly.  Obviously I had eaten a sandwich and some other bits through the day but I hadn’t sat down for a three course meal which is what everyone knows you need to eat before drinking any kind of alcoholic beverage.”