Man wearing same clothes since 2003 hailed as pioneer of sustainable fashion

A 35-YEAR-OLD man still wearing the same clothes he wore at university has been named as an icon of sustainable fashion. 

A backlash against fast fashion has seen Nathan Muir, whose newest item of clothing is a Christmas jumper bought eight years ago, recognised by style experts for his capsule wardrobe of just 21 items.

He said: “Apparently I’m at the forefront of ethical fashion because more than half my clothes came free as part of a sports team, business or stag do.

“I also have a fleece gifted me by a corporate sponsor at a work charity run ten years ago, which Stella McCartney complimented personally and which I wear most weekends, evenings and holidays.

“I’ve read that it’s best not to wash fleece fabrics very often as they shed microfibres into the water supply which is another win for me, since I operate a strict sauce-spills-only washing policy for my ‘top layers’.

“Mine isn’t a look you can just ‘get’. If you want to still be wearing T-shirts you were given on university sports tours in 2004, you have to start early.”

Muir’s partner Helen Archer said: “Nathan is the Greta Thunberg of men approaching middle age who can’t be bothered to make any effort.”

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Are you Priti Patel or Damien out of The Omen?

EVIL takes many forms, whether a child who is secretly the Antichrist or the MP for Witcham. Which are you? 

What happened to the last person who interfered with your plans?

A) Nothing suspicious, just attacked by a raven and then run over by a truck.
B) They abruptly decided to resign. I couldn’t get the raven trained so I deported it.

How do you deal with bullying in the workplace?

A) I’m proud to say that Hell has a fair and independent complaints procedure managed by our excellent HR demons.
B) Strange supernatural accidents happen to whistleblowers, such as the civil servant who was recently beaten to death by the lid of a photocopier.

Are you planning any team-building activities?

A) Before my legions amass to make the earth a cinder, we’re going for bowling and pizza to help us bond.
B) All my favourite civil servants and I are off for a game of ice hockey on a frozen lake for the eight hours until dawn.

What do you fear most?

A) Being assassinated by followers of the Nazarene with the sacred daggers of Megiddo. But pretty confident it won’t happen.
B) An employment tribunal for constructive dismissal.

Do you have any pets?

A) Yes, several large black dogs with eyes like burning coals I use to slay those who suspect my true evil nature.
B) Ditto.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You are Damien, evil incarnate and a living blasphemy against all that is decent and good. You are still more popular than Priti Patel.

Mostly Bs: You are Priti Patel. When you finally get the boot from the Home Office connect with the Horned One on LinkedIn.