Man concerned to learn girlfriend has friends

A MAN in a new relationship was concerned to learn that his girlfriend has friends and an active social life. 

Tom Logan has been dating Jo Kramer for a month but has only just realised that her vague mentions of ‘friends’ are actually real people he is expected to meet.

He said: “Oh, what? Not again. This is exactly what happened with the last two.

“I want a girlfriend, not a whole bunch of other people to have to meet up and drink with and pretend to be interested in even though they clearly prefer Jo’s company to mine.

“Honestly I’ve no objection to her having them in theory but they’re getting in the way of us spending time together, like when I texted ‘U up?’ at 11pm on Monday and she was with her mate ‘Hayley’, whoever that is.

“I haven’t invited her to five-a-side with the lads, so why would she think I needed to know about all her personal life? What’s next?”

Logan added: “She’s said her brother’s coming over Saturday and we could go for a drink if I wanted. I’ve texted back ‘I think this is getting too complicated.’”

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The seven things to panic-buy now before all the other bastards get there

ALL those other selfish, panicking bastards are going to strip the shelves of goods so get to the supermarket before they do. But what to buy? 


In Asia they’ve been panic-buying rice, but over here there’s no need because it can be delivered from takeaways. Fill your trolley with British food staple the potato instead; so versatile it can be eaten baked, mashed, roasted or raw.


You can’t waste valuable potatoes by turning them into chips, nor can you be arsed. So clear that freezer aisle of chips even if it means buying peri-peri or curly varieties you normally disapprove of. This is a global pandemic. Swallow your pride.


You can’t have enough batteries when civilisation ends so shovel them in, even if you’re not entirely sure what you’re going to use them for. If anyone else attempts to get batteries, punch them.

Toilet roll

Life without toilet roll isn’t worth contemplating, especially on your all-starch diet of potatoes and chips. Get at least 3,600 rolls and fill your garage with it. It’ll all get used whatever.


Self-isolating is all well and good, but a time may come when you need to load the family into the car and head for the Isle of Mull. Beat petrol rationing by filling at least six ten-gallon cans and store in the garage, by the toilet roll and any kindling.


Think streaming will still be happening when the coronavirus hits? Dream on. With the whole nation at home buffering won’t just be a terrible fear but a daily reality. Get a few box sets in and you’ll be laughing.

High-strength lager

Battling other desperate survivors in the ruins for the last remaining antibiotics? The winner, as in any street fight, will be the one who’s most lagered up. Get the tins in. He who is most leathered on Special Brew will rule the post-coronavirus world.