Man who says weed doesn't affect him oddly refusing to prove it

A MAN who is impervious to marijuana is strangely reluctant to give it another go.

Medical wonder Ryan Whittaker claims he does not experience a high or any other typical effects from the Class B drug, but despite his immunity is refusing to have just a little bit to check.

Whittaker said: “I’m one of those people it has absolutely no effect on. Doesn’t matter if I smoke one joint or ten. Nothing. It’s honestly really frustrating.

“There’s nothing more I’d like than to kick back with a big fat spliff after a day at the office. But I might as well be breathing in normal air for all the effect it has on me. I know, it’s really weird.”

Talking in a strained voice while holding his breath and waving his hand in front of his face, Whittaker continued: “That’s why I’m not having any of that joint. It’s pointless. And it would be a waste.”

Friend Tom Booker said: “The last time Ryan smoked weed he kept asking if his mouth looked weird. Then he ate a whole block of cheese before going to bed at 4:30pm.”

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Alpha, Beta, Sigma: Which bullshit male type are you?

THE latest dickish and pathetic fad for men is sorting themselves into categories depending on how manly they think they are. Like these:


Why choose a pleasant bloke who is happy to do the washing up when you can have an egotistical wanker obsessed with cars and martial arts? He’ll be fun to laugh at for five minutes but when you need someone to unblock the toilet he’ll whine about getting the sleeve of his weirdly tight Ted Baker shirt wet.


A beta male is an ordinary kind of chap who, according to people who believe in this kind of self-regarding wank, takes on feminine roles such as cooking a meal, which turns them all coy and girly, like, er, Gordon Ramsay. Women like them because of this, which angers and confuses Alphas and leads them to call betas ‘cucks’, a shit American insult you have to explain to people.


Gamma males are intellectual, kind and romantic, which sounds like a winning combination, but apparently is not, presumably because emotions are bad and for women. They are considered ‘peacemakers’ but are also ambitious and confident, with high levels of testosterone. They may well drop dead from this testerone, which is nonetheless lower than Alphas’. It’s confusing, but consistency probably isn’t an issue if you’re into this sort of braindead pseudoscience. 


The omega male is socially inept and awkward, and probably a bit geeky and into sci-fi. He also lacks hierarchical consciousness, which means he is blissfully unaware of all this f**king nonsense and therefore nice to be around, apart from when he talks about Star Trek: The Next Generation. Also, men like Andrew Tate who base their whole worldview on The Matrix have no business calling other people geeks.


The Delta male is apparently the most prevalent form of man, a competent bloke with an average job and interesting hobbies, and who has no interest in pleasing the Alphas. So pretty much everyone on the planet then, including all the women. Does that mean an Alpha who has sex with a woman is actually shagging a Delta? That’ll creep the macho twats out.


A man who has labelled himself a Sigma male considers himself an independent, nonconformist free-thinker, or ‘lone wolf’, ie. it would save everyone a lot of time and trouble if he just called himself a bellend instead. Also, hanging on every idiotic utterance of pea-headed misogynist and prison-dweller Andrew Tate, or King of the Wankers Jordan Peterson, is hardly the behaviour of a sexy maverick.