Man whose wife wants skirting boards painting knows how Jesus felt

A MAN whose wife has told him he must spend the Easter break painting the skirting boards feels he now fully understands Christ’s ordeal on the cross.

Accountant Tom Logan’s wife Sarah has insisted he makes the ultimate sacrifice by not spending all weekend watching Sky Sports, particularly Arsenal vs Liverpool on Saturday night.

Logan said: “I really get how Jesus must have felt. He was probably expecting a decent break after all his hard work being Messiah, just like me in the accounts department, then suddenly your bank holiday’s ruined.

“There’s a bit in the gospel according to Mark, 14:36, where Christ asks God to spare him crucifixion. ‘Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me.’

“It was the same with me. I asked my wife if I could be spared this torment. She turned me down flat. I appealed directly to God but he’s bloody forsaken me too.

“Seriously, I’d rather drink vinegar from a sponge on a stick than paint bloody skirting boards.

“I mean, fair enough, I get to rise again – at 7am on Tuesday morning to commute to work on the Northern Line. A few days chilling out in a tomb would be better.”

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How you're going to squander your four-day weekend

A WEEKEND bookended by bank holidays is a rare opportunity to unwind from the stresses of life. Here’s how you’re going to completely waste it.

Oversleep

You’re still spun out from the clocks going forwards the other week, so you won’t wake up from your lie-in until around midday. This will somehow make you feel groggier and more lethargic than usual all afternoon, and before you know it you’ve wasted a quarter of your time off just by pottering around the house and groaning.

Watch TV

Having already watched everything that genuinely interests you, you’ll try a few episodes of shows that look vaguely interesting but ultimately do nothing for you. This will take a few hours and afterwards you’ll be left with nagging thoughts that you’re pissing away quality relaxation time, which should be enough to keep you occupied until Sunday.

Do some exercise

To make up for lost time you’ll go for a run on Sunday morning and immediately pull a muscle. The blinding agony will leave you sofa-bound for the rest of the day, forcing you to watch more TV shows that you couldn’t care less about. You will still proudly share that you changed into your running gear on social media though.

Start a DIY project

To kid yourself into thinking that you’re getting the most out of your time off, you’ll finally embark on a doomed DIY project you’ve put off for years. You’ll quickly realise that you’re missing a crucial tool that you can’t get from the shops because they’re shut, leaving you with no choice but to delay it until the next holiday when you’ll make the same mistake.

Worry about work

By Monday afternoon you’ll be so bored that anxious thoughts about work will begin to creep in. Did you sign off on that important email? Is your company about to go under? Is it too late to retrain as someone with actual skills? Resist the urge to check your inbox just in case there’s a message from your boss telling you you’re redundant.