Man worried he has never had a fight

A MAN is worried he will probably die without ever having had a proper fist fight. 

Solicitor Tom Logan feels his achievements in life, including a successful career and happy marriage, are undermined by never having squared up to some bloke who had it coming and decking the b*stard.

Logan, 41, said: “You have to remember I grew up in the 80s, when you were raised the hard way, on macho television programmes. 

“Guys like John Thaw and Lewis Collins were constantly getting into a ruck and taking one on the chin as if they didn’t even feel it.

“I’ve never done anything like that. I had a scuffle in 1983 with a kid at school but it was more like an agitated hug than a proper fight with fisticuffs and a bit of stomach-kicking.

“Thanks to namby pamby teachers and responsible parents I’ve been taught that civility, cooperation and the rule of law are what matter in life.

“Now I’m worried I’ll go to my grave without ever having had the chance to settle my differences with a right hander or knuckle sandwich like Dennis Waterman.”

Logan is currently hoping someone will leave him with no choice but to fight them, but they should be fairly weak to prevent him losing instantly.

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Tommy Robinson's guide to how the law is racist against white people

HELLO. I’m Tommy Robinson, like the jam that used to have golliwogs on and they should bring back. But did you know our legal system is biased against white people? Here’s how.

Contempt of court

Who’d even heard of this before I got sent down for it? I hadn’t, even though I’ve been convicted of it on two previous occasions. Anyway, you know how many Muslims have been done for contempt of court? None. You know why? Because it’s not in Sharia law. F*cking outrage. 

Racial profiling

If you’re white the police are constantly trying to fit you up. Look at a completely average group of ordinary white people like my supporters. They’ve got loads of convictions for trumped-up crimes like harassment and racially aggravated assault. When a lovely bunch of law-abiding lads like that are in trouble with the law there’s only one explanation: racism.  

White collar crime

That’s another one you never see ethnic minorities convicted for. Fraud, insider trading, false accounting – they even call it ‘WHITE collar crime’! How racist is that? You don’t get ‘BLACK collar crime’, and they’d get off scot-free anyway. Although so do the whites, usually.  

Urinating in a public place

White people are always getting done for this. We should do what the Muslims do and say it’s cultural, which it is, because everyone needs a slash after 12 pints. A white bloke I met in prison got banged up for 15 years for it. Unbelievable. The guards said it was murder but that was just an excuse. 

Football hooliganism

How can it be an offence if both sides are willingly taking part? But oh no, punch a Leeds fan who’s threatening you with his pie and cup of Bovril and suddenly you’re the bad guy. Sure, the courts will call it assault, but really you’re getting done for the crime of being white.