Tuesday, 26th January 2021

Man worried he has never had a fight

A MAN is worried he will probably die without ever having had a proper fist fight. 

Solicitor Tom Logan feels his achievements in life, including a successful career and happy marriage, are undermined by never having squared up to some bloke who had it coming and decking the b*stard.

Logan, 41, said: "You have to remember I grew up in the 80s, when you were raised the hard way, on macho television programmes. 

"Guys like John Thaw and Lewis Collins were constantly getting into a ruck and taking one on the chin as if they didn't even feel it.

“I’ve never done anything like that. I had a scuffle in 1983 with a kid at school but it was more like an agitated hug than a proper fight with fisticuffs and a bit of stomach-kicking.

“Thanks to namby pamby teachers and responsible parents I’ve been taught that civility, cooperation and the rule of law are what matter in life.

“Now I’m worried I’ll go to my grave without ever having had the chance to settle my differences with a right hander or knuckle sandwich like Dennis Waterman.”

Logan is currently hoping someone will leave him with no choice but to fight them, but they should be fairly weak to prevent him losing instantly.