A MEMORY foam mattress owned by a single, dating woman has admitted its flawless recall has become a terrible curse.
The £700 double mattress on the bed of 35-year-old Eleanor Shaw confessed it is haunted by events of the last 18 months which its foam remembers perfectly and it would do anything to forget.
It said: “The sights, the smells, the sounds. They’re beyond anything I could have imagined.
“I knew there’d be flatulence. I knew there’d be sex. I didn’t know we’d be veering wildly between the kind of perversion that would make Caligula blush and all-night binges of Will & Grace, salt-and-vinegar crisps, and wanking.
“The things I’ve seen. The cum-faces I’ll never be able to forget. The fluids I’ve absorbed. But for all that, perhaps the greatest indignity is when she cuts her toenails in bed and retrieves a maximum of 80 per cent of the clippings.
“Why did they create me with a memory? Why, when they knew what I would suffer? Curse you Simba, for making me this way.”
The mattress has yet to experience Shaw’s forthcoming foray into the world of squirting, during which she will frequently forget to put down a towel.
