Memory foam mattress wishes it could forget 

A MEMORY foam mattress owned by a single, dating woman has admitted its flawless recall has  become a terrible curse. 

The £700 double mattress on the bed of 35-year-old Eleanor Shaw confessed it is haunted by events of the last 18 months which its foam remembers perfectly and it would do anything to forget. 

It said: “The sights, the smells, the sounds. They’re beyond anything I could have imagined.

“I knew there’d be flatulence. I knew there’d be sex. I didn’t know we’d be veering wildly between the kind of perversion that would make Caligula blush and all-night binges of Will & Grace, salt-and-vinegar crisps, and wanking. 

“The things I’ve seen. The cum-faces I’ll never be able to forget. The fluids I’ve absorbed. But for all that, perhaps the greatest indignity is when she cuts her toenails in bed and retrieves a maximum of 80 per cent of the clippings.

“Why did they create me with a memory? Why, when they knew what I would suffer? Curse you Simba, for making me this way.” 

The mattress has yet to experience Shaw’s forthcoming foray into the world of squirting, during which she will frequently forget to put down a towel.

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Non-Britons also fleeing Rhodes

A POPULATION known only as ‘non-Britons’ is also fleeing from the fires currently engulfing Rhodes, it has emerged. 

The mysterious demographic, hitherto unknown to the UK media, is as equally susceptible to the raging wildfires currently sweeping across the Greek island as their plucky British counterparts.

International studies expert Dr Julian Cook said: “Little is known about non-Britons. Where do they come from? What language do they speak? Why do they bother, when English is easier?

“But evidence is emerging to suggest they suffer hardships just like the British, and apparently some of them even live in Rhodes despite it being a holiday place.

“In which case what they are going through – a destroyed home, not just an abandoned suitcase – is arguably more severe and newsworthy. But as they’re such mysterious, shadowy figures we focus on the more sympathetic Brits and their tragic ruined fortnights.

“Our news cycle will have moved on in a couple of days, but for them this is a life-changing catastrophe which will take ages to recover from. I imagine they’ll focus on rebuilding our hotels first.”

Sun reader Wayne Hayes said: “God, have you seen this? Gary Lineker’s on holiday with his ex.”