Cricket confirmed as shittiest sport ever after Ashes won by rain

THE public perception of cricket as a dickhead sport for absolute twats was confirmed after the Ashes series was decided by f**king rain. 

Fans of the sport have once again been humiliated after bad weather decided the outcome of a supposedly major sporting event according to its own moronic rulebook.

Nathan Muir, a fan of several real sports, said: “Rain. I wouldn’t accept an under-11s five-a-side league being decided solely on the basis of rain.

“Imagine it happening with anything else. ‘Argentina win the World Cup because the sun was getting in the players’ eyes.’ ‘Japan take six athletics gold medals because it started snowing a bit.’

“But cricket, which is already bollocks that drags on for f**king days, believes that it’s acceptable for a major international competition to be won on the basis of precipitation.

“And if you’re stupid, red-trousered and permanently pissed enough to think you still qualify as a sport despite that, why would you then stage a crucial match in Manchester? In July? When pissing rain is guaranteed?”

An England cricketer, speaking anonymously, said: “Every single one of us would be a footballer if we were good enough.”

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Gammon offended by diversity of cafe's teas

A SUPPORTER of British breakfast tea is appalled at his local cafe’s unapologetically diverse tea selection.  

Bill McKay, who believes British tea is for British people, is aghast that a cafe in Rochdale would openly tout a range of teas made of chrysanthemums or orange blossom.

He said: “They’re doing it just to wind me up. Nobody wants mint tea in a morning.

“I’m not against a range – PG, Tetley, Typhoo, even Yorkshire if we have to get ethnic about it – but to claim normal people in this country are drinking Roobios is nothing but a lie.

“If you’re having something other than a proper cuppa, one to four sugars, dash of milk, then you need to have a word with yourself. Earl Grey’s fine if you’re proper posh. Ginseng? That’s drugs.

“I was right never to trust coffee, because that went up its own arse years ago when they branched out from Mellow Birds, and now the woke have come for our tea. What’s next? Bread? Bacon? HP Sauce?

“My grandfather didn’t die on the beach at Dunkirk for young people to be ordering Oolong now it’s normal. Ban them. It was implicit in the Brexit vote so it’s law.”