Middle class families unveil dreadful New Year's resolutions

BRITAIN’S middle class families are telling everyone about their smug and aspirational New Year’s resolutions.

From Veganuary to no-plastics-2020, the bourgeoisie are relishing the opportunity to make resolutions that highlight how successful, ethical and generally wonderful they are.

Corporate lawyer Nathan Muir said: “I’ve given up nitrates. My wife’s climbing the Matterhorn in July. Our son Marcus is recording a daily video diary about decolonising his school’s curriculum, while our daughter Sasha is buying only vintage clothing all year.

“It’s all absolutely necessary stuff. I need to be fitter. So I’ve bought a Peloton and no more eating out at expensive restaurants. That’s going to be tough, not eating at those excellent, expensive restaurants I go to a lot.”

Wife Saorise said: “Of course I’ll be travelling to my climb by train, because we’ve given up air travel, because we can afford to.

“I’m also going on a diet. Not to lose weight, one that’s entirely focused on shopping locally and reducing my carbon footprint. I’ll be morally superior to just about everybody.”

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The highlights of the next decade, in advance

THE cultural and political highlights of the next ten years have been announced in advance to avoid anyone missing them. Here they are: 

Qatar World Cup, Nov-Dec 2022

The international tournament will see half of the first round games cancelled because of the desert heat, three-quarters of the next round and every game from the quarter-finals onward played using virtual simulations. America wins.

The last Marvel film, June 2023

Following the massive, consecutive box office failures of the previous five Marvel movies and the bankrupting of Disney, the final film in the franchise is produced on a budget of £400,000 and feature all previous stars going on a coach holiday to Filey. Hilarity ensues.

UK elections, December 2024

Boris Johnson swept to a Christmas landslide by a nation grateful for the incredible success of Brexit which has made each and every citizen millionaires wearing top hats and monocles, quaffing champagne.

Greta Thunburg wins eight Grammys, February 2026

Having pivoted from climate concern to adult-oriented pop, Greta Thunburg sweeps the board at the Grammys with album Hot For You. A drunk Taylor Swift grabs the microphone, swears and soils herself at the ceremony.

Google announces it’s in charge now, June 2027

Information giant Google announces, in personal emails to everybody, that it knows all your secrets and it is now your boss. Everyone quietly begins doing as they’re told while never mentioning it to anybody else.

Second Civil War begins in US, December 2029

President-for-Life Donald Trump drowns in submerged Mar-a-Lago, Florida, still denying climate change exists. Rest of country too busy shooting each other to notice.