Middle-class woman runs out of hobbies to pathetically give up on

A MIDDLE-CLASS woman has officially run out of creative projects to abandon.

35-year-old Emma Bradford came to the realisation after adding an unfinished hand-weaved basket to her pile of crap handicraft projects in a cupboard.

She said: “Every time I feel dissatisfied with my life, I start a new arty project to get me out of my bourgeois rut.

“I’m usually about a quarter of the way in before I realise that making my own soap isn’t going to cut it.

“Once I’m halfway through I tend to think things like ‘Why the fuck am I crocheting a hat?’ and give up completely.

“I’ve done jewellery-making, knitting, sewing, you name it. I’ve built half a dolls’ house, I’ve done watercolours that look like my five-year-old did them and I started painting bottles for some reason.

“Don’t even mention the charcoal drawing, flower arranging and calligraphy. I can’t think of anything left to try, so I’m just going to have to sit here and think about the futility of life.

“Oh, wait! I’ve never tried adult colouring-in. That will definitely fill the void.”

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Jeremy Corbyn's guide to acting decisively

HELLO, comrades. As a top politician I know only too well the importance of acting swiftly and decisively. Here’s how to take the bull by the horns in a variety of real-life situations.

Noisy neighbours

Set up a music volume committee and invite your neighbours to take part. If they tell you to sod off, buy them some quieter music, eg. Mellow Moods on the Pan Pipes rather than Dubstep Apocalypse Volume 8.

Burglar in your property

It’s all too easy to call the police in a panic or grab a weapon. Instead commission a report entitled They Stole My MacBook: Perspectives on Theft in a Globalised World.

If you have to confront the burglar, make him aware he is harming his own community rather than the ruling elite. If he refuses rehabilitative training such a plumbing course, only then should you twat him with a cricket bat.

Confronted by a fierce dog

If you’re in the park and are attacked by a dog, act quickly and get out your phone to set up an independent inquiry headed by a respected barrister.

Ideally you should establish working definitions of ‘being mauled’, ‘massive teeth’ and ‘serious blood loss’. Let the dog have its say, assuming it has not already run off with your testicles.

House on fire

Before rushing to put out the fire it’s important to establish the facts. Is that smoke or just steam from the kettle? Are people screaming “Fire!” because the building is ablaze or are they just singing along to The Crazy World of Arthur Brown?

When you are sure there is a fire, call 999 and insist that only a gender-balanced team of firefighters should be sent to rescue you.

Fight in a pub

If someone says “Did you spill my pint?”, refuse to commit to whether you did or did not spill the pint because to do so would be playing into the hands of the Tory press.