Millennial thinks going on holiday is an achievement

A MILLENNIAL woman is under the impression that going on holiday is an achievement she ought to be congratulated for.

Charlotte Phelps, aged 34, believes taking a fortnight off, flying to Barbados and lying in the sun doing nothing shows a committment to self-care and looking after her mental health that should be applauded.

Friend Lauren Hewitt said: “She said ‘I’ve got some news’ like she was off to research new ways to cure dementia, not walking along white sand beaches sipping rum out of a bloody coconut.

“Good for her I guess, but I’m not sure why we’re expected to say ‘well done’. For having the money? For knowing where Barbados is? It’s hardly going on her CV. I was less pleased with myself for giving birth.

“She suggested the act of booking a holiday would serve as an example to us all that sometimes you need to say ‘stop’ and put yourself first. Last week she had a mental health day to binge-watch Narcos.”

Phelps said: “It took courage, self-awareness and a recognition that no matter how hard I try, I can’t solve all the world’s problems when I’m broken to book this holiday.

“And if I tell them that at the front desk, they’ll upgrade me to a suite.”

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Zahawi scandal fails to damage rock-bottom f**ked Tories in polls

THE Zahawi tax scandal has not affected Conservative popularity one iota because the entire country made its f**king mind up long ago. 

Britain has paid little attention to the firing of the chairman for misleading HMRC over his tax because it is no more than anyone already assumed these corrupt, venal bastards have been up to for years.

Nathan Muir of Congleton said: “I haven’t bothered to learn the details. I could try to remember the name if I needed extra motivation when voting, but I won’t.

“Got caught cheating on tax, lied, threatened to sue, got fired. I mean throw the twat on the pile with the rest. The flames will burn all the brighter come election day.

“Every Tory you’ve heard of is a proven bully, a fanatical ideologue, f**king in the Commons, thieving millions from the public purse, crashing the economy or wanking to tractor porn. And the ones you’ve not heard of are worse.

“We’re just waiting this one out. Apart from the 25 per cent who are so deranged they’d have Boris back, and they’re glad to see the back of Zahawi for reasons you’re not allowed to say these days.”

He added: “Take a fortnight to fire Raab if you want, new shocking revelations every day up to and including nutting the late Queen’s horse. You’re f**ked whatever.”