Mummy blogger struggling to drink wine and swear at her kids every day

A MUMMY blogger has revealed she is struggling to live up to the unrealistic stereotype of swilling wine and screaming at her kids every day.

Helen Archer, who writes a blog named ‘The Gin-cess and the Tea’, has published a candid post admitting to her failings as a sarcastic, foul-mouthed, slovenly bitch.

Archer writes: “All people see is the self-deprecating posts and the contrived swearing at my two children. Their names are not even ‘Shithead and the Demon Girl’, they are Matthew and Sarah.

“My husband isn’t really a ‘stupid piece of shit’. He is a good man, who does his best for us. Yesterday he worked 14 hours. When he came home he poured me a glass of wine, but to be honest, I don’t really drink that much.

“Sometimes I just want to let go and tell my children that I love them. Sometimes, all I want is a glass of water and an apple.”

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Woman unable to write friendly email without shitload of exclamation marks

A WOMAN is trying to write an email without using exclamation marks but also without coming across as a totally mardy bitch. 

Donna Sheridan has been trying to finish her sentences with simple full stops instead of her usual forced jollity, but worries that she sounds like a robot with severe depression instead.

She said: “In real life I’m not an excitable idiot who feels the need to shriek mundane information as if it’s life-enhancingly joyful, and yet that’s exactly how I email.

“Even at work I add exclamation marks to ‘Hope you’re well!!’ because otherwise it feels like I’m writing ‘You most likely have a terminal illness’.

“Surely I can convey a positive, optimistic tone without a punctuation crutch, but no. So I slather them on and sound like the kind of brittle-eyed hysteric who’s still a holiday rep at 40.

“Fuck it. Maybe I’ll just go all out and sling some emojis in there too. I’m sure the board of directors will enjoy quarterly reports if I finish with 12 smileys in a row.”