JUST as it was in ancient Greece, myth-making has become the province of men with enormous facial hair, but this time the myths are shit. Here’s a few of them:
Music sounds better on vinyl
Digital music is an abomination, according to the hirsute, and only the pops and crackles of vinyl are real. Nothing to do with having massive freestanding wooden speakers or having invested £185 and a week on eBay bidding for their precious triple-gatefold album.
It has to be IPA
If you hear a bloke banging on about the tangy richness of an IPA, rhapsodising about the hops and the fruity aftertaste and the credentials of the microbrewery, you’ll turn around and discover he has a beard. It’s scientific fact. And very likely a manbun.
High-octane petrol gets you better mileage
Never offer to fill up the tank for a bearded man, even if you’re married to him and you’re driving back from a fortnight in the Cairngorms. He’s convinced that premium petrol only available at select pumps is the one thing preventing his car from exploding mid-motorway.
Digital photography is soulless
Why would anything that was more convenient also be better? Of course men with beards love waiting to get their reels of film back from the camera shop, because it gives them more time to grow out their luxuriant goatees.
It matters how you make coffee
Men with lovingly cultivated face-furniture love to tell you where the beans are from, how to select the perfect blend and the life-changing importance of putting them through a stupidly complicated gleaming Italian machine otherwise it won’t taste right. Never trust them.
That they’re not dickheads
Any man can grow a beard, apart from ridiculous blonde men. But only the bearded believe themselves to be so sensitive, so singular, so set apart from other men that you should feel guilty for believing they were chatting up your best mate, even though they totally were.