Nine common problems that can be solved by moving the f**k out of London

CAN’T afford a house? Can’t afford a meal out? Travelling six miles takes two hours and costs you £40? Have you considered getting the f**k out of London?

No affordable rents: With the capital full of other young professional housemates stealing your shampoo, have you considered living outside it? In provincial towns like Chorley and Sleaford where rent is low? They’ve got electricity and tapas, allegedly.

No nightlife options: Restaurants and nightclubs in London are famous and famously expensive. Restaurants and nightclubs in the rest of the country are less so, and often called things like The Wheatsheaf Grill or Zanzibar’s, but you can go to them.

No affordable transport: A system of underground trains in a major city is expensive. Getting the bus in Barnsley is not. Riding a bike in Wrexham is practically free. And have you considered walking to work in Warrington? It can be done, crazy as it sounds.

Overcrowding: It’s impossible to find a patch of London park not commandeered by boot camp fitness twats, rowdy bored-shitless teenagers or mums playing ‘here we go round the Mulberry bag’ for a two-year-old’s party. Could it possibly be because there’s too f**king many of you in the same place?

No time to see friends: Lengthy commutes, long working hours and spiralling service costs mean that even in the same city, you only see friends on Zoom. Are you getting it yet? That the city is a nightmare and you could just piss off somewhere nicer?

Gentrification: Be the gentrifier. Take your fancy arsehole graduate job and go and gentrify Ashton-under-Lyne. All it actually means is buying a cheap house and making the area more pleasant. Is that so evil, or are your values horrendously warped?

Pollution: You know the black snot thing ends immediately north of EN6, don’t you? You sneer when your provincial friends come down and complain about it? Then what’s stopping you moving to Staffordshire? Fear of big cats?

I’ll never get on the property ladder: No, you f**king won’t. Nor will you ever buy in Manhattan, Tokyo or Sandbanks, so have you considered living somewhere you can afford like normal people do?

I can’t talk about anything but living in London: This one is absolutely solved after six months in Stafford after which you will, finally, get over yourself. Unless you move to Cornwall or the Cotswolds. It’s still the sole topic of conversation with the refugees there.

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Middle class woman tries to recreate excitement of foreign supermarket by going to Aldi

A MIDDLE-CLASS woman has attempted to relive visiting a French supermarket by shopping at her local rustic, peasant-filled Aldi in Worcester.

During a fortnight staying in a converted cowshed outside St Malo, PR executive Donna Sheridan visited a nearby Carrefour supermarket to buy continental goods such as big jars of tiny peas and carrots, paprika snacks and incredible value red wine.

On returning home, a leaflet of Aldi special offers caught her eye, promising exotic continental items like mayonnaise in a French-style jar that goes wide in the middle and then narrow again at the bottom so you can never get the last bit out with a knife. 

Sheridan said: “Sadly Aldi was not all I had hoped for. The rice pudding did have foreign writing on, but it was in a standard tin, and it’s only continental if you buy it in individual ramekins to eat cold with cinnamon on top.

“The shoppers were clearly simple, salt-of-the earth folk, the local peasantry if you will, but they spoiled the effect by wearing tracksuits. I’d put them in farm overalls to make them more authentic.

“Also the shoppers were grumpy, but not in a charming French way. The last straw was the lack of a machine that makes you buy fresh juice you don’t particularly want just so you can watch it cut and squeeze the oranges right in front of you.

“Still, the trip wasn’t a total washout. I filled the car with cheap booze to replace the measly 18 litres of wine you can bring back from France now. At just £1.99 for a massive carton I’m sure it will be every bit as tasty as the French stuff.”