No brown shoes with a blue suit: fashion rules dickheads think matter

THE biggest fashion faux pas is overthinking what you wear. Here are five sartorial rules only dickheads care about.

No brown shoes with a blue suit

Finding a suit that fits and doesn’t bankrupt you is an achievement in itself. You’re only going to wear it to other people’s weddings and jury duty anyway, so pop on whichever shoes you want. Brown and blue is an inoffensive colour combo anyway, it’s not like you’re pairing a sharp suit with silver cowboy boots.

Horizontal stripes make you look larger

And? That means you can blame your expanding waistline on your clothing instead of your shit diet. It’s the perfect alibi. If you take horizontal stripes out of the equation then you’re only left with plain clothes or garments with vertical stripes. The latter of which actually do break fashion rules by looking inherently crap.

Never use the bottom button on a blazer

Apparently this is a cardinal sin amongst well-dressed men. But if that’s the case, why do tailors bother to sew them on to begin with? Button manufacturers must be making money hand-over-fist from those chumps. You technically don’t have to do up your flies but you’d look pretty stupid if you left them open.

Your bag must match your heels

Possessing more than one bag is a sign of exorbitant excess, as is wearing heels more than twice a year. Give that nice clutch you got from the 2014 Accessorize sale another whirl regardless of what you have on your blistered trotters. Absolutely no one cares. It’s not like you’re trying to be prime minister.

Always match your leathers

This sounds like a rule for the sort of garb you’d wear to a BDSM dungeon. However it’s actually aimed at men to make sure their satchel doesn’t clash with their belt. Weirdly the fetish community has got more exciting things to think about than whether straps made from dead cow coordinate with one another.

Take off one accessory before leaving the house

There’s lots to worry about when trying to get your arse out of the door in the morning, but the number of accessories you’re wearing isn’t one of them. If you’ve managed to cover up the body parts society finds offensive then you’re good to go. Being stuck between removing an earring or a necklace won’t fly as an excuse for being late for work.

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Bears revealed to be men in suits

ZOOLOGISTS have discovered that bears are in fact men in furry costumes, and not animals as had been previously thought.

After spotting one take its head off to enjoy a crafty fag, zoologists believe all bears are actually men with too much time on their hands arsing about in fuzzy outfits.

Bear expert Tom Booker said: “This has got to be one of the biggest cover-ups in the scientific community. Just think of all the wildlife rangers and zookeepers who’ve been keeping it quiet all these years.

“The evidence has been hiding in plain sight the entire time. Look at Winnie the Pooh, Yogi Bear, even that bastard Paddington. They’ve all clearly been created by people who were in on the secret and taking the piss. I feel like such a fool.

“I’ve got so many questions for the men who do this. How did it all begin? Where do you get the outfits from? How on earth do the f**kers who dress up as polar bears not freeze to death? Although in fairness a furry costume probably keeps them toasty.”

Sales assistant Donna Sheridan said: “I’ve always suspected my husband was up to something odd on his frequent work trips to Yellowstone National Park. I just hope he never finds out horses are actually us women galloping around on all fours.”