Tragic bastard doing his big shop on a Saturday night

A TRAGIC man is planning to do his weekly big shop on a Saturday night because that is when the supermarket will be its quietest.

Sad, pathetic loser Martin Bishop has purposefully not scheduled any social engagements this evening so he can quickly whizz round Morrisons and stock up on food without having to interact with other shoppers.

Bishop said: “While most people will be down the pub with friends or going on dates, I’ll be filling up my trolley with minimum fuss. I think we all know who the winner is in this scenario: me.

“Who cares if most of the shelves will have been picked clean? When there’s nobody in your way you don’t care what you’re buying. Dreamies pouch? Thank you very much. I don’t even have a cat.

“Best of all there won’t be anyone queuing for the till. I can run everything through the self-service checkout then get home without having to talk to a single person. Bliss.”

Checkout girl Nikki Hollis said: “Martin does this every week five minutes before we close. I should feel sorry for him but I’m always too blinded with rage. What a tragic, irritating bastard he is.”

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Six first wedding dance songs no f**ker will ever forget

WANT to make the first dance at your wedding something people will remember forever? Play one of these inappropriate songs.

Love Will Tear Us Apart, Joy Division

Start your marriage off in the worst possible way with one of the bleakest songs of all time. As you put those ballroom dancing lessons you spunked hundreds of quid on to good use by awkwardly shuffling around the dance floor, feel your guests inwardly writhing with awkwardness.

It Wasn’t Me, Shaggy

The perfect song to let all your guests know that the rumours of infidelities on your stag do were actually true. Over your partner’s shoulder you’ll see your assembled friends and family begin to place bets on how long they think your shitty marriage is actually going to last. Not one of them will guess more than a month.

Gold Digger, Kanye West ft. Jamie Foxx

Not even this banger’s catchy beat can distract from the fact you’re telling a room full of people you’re only getting married for the money. What’s even more tragic is that your soulmate only works as a middle-manager at Barclays, so they’re not exactly minted. You’re selling out, and for a very low price.

Bootylicious, Destiny’s Child

When you turn up to the wedding of a work colleague and partner, the last thing you expect to see is them shaking their arse to this early noughties hit. Enjoy awkwardly sipping champagne next to the mother of the bride as you watch her daughter furiously twerk against the groom’s groin. Maybe even take a photo for posterity.

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, U2 

As you look deep into the eyes of your new spouse, Bono’s soaring lyrics will let them know they’re a placeholder. The wedding has been an elaborate celebration of your move towards becoming more tax efficient, and you’re still searching for the person you actually want to shag for the rest of your life. They’re out there somewhere.

Single Ladies, Beyoncé

Weddings are the beginning of your beautiful new life together, but they’re also a chance to rub your love in the face of desperate loners. Crank this song up then drag all your single mates onto the dance floor to point and laugh at them. They can’t object either, this is your special day and you can do what you want.