None of hotel room's 40 light switches switch off the lights

NONE of a hotel room’s 40 unmarked light switches actually switch off the lights, forcing guests to play a tiresome game of trial-and-error.

Donna Sheridan, a saleswoman on a business trip, arrived at Rumwick Manor Hotel in Hertfordshire at 11:30pm after a nine-hour drive and strangely wanted the opportunity to sleep without the lights on.

Sheridan said: “This switch turns the bathroom lights off. This one turns off both bedside lamps but the bathroom lights back on. This one switches on some strip lights on the skirting boards. 

“There’s even a toggle which makes all the lights slowly shift through a rainbow of colours. What would be handy is a switch that makes the room actually dark.”

Hotel manager Martin Bishop explained: “Our rooms have been designed to provide lighting to suit every mood. We can’t have guests messing up the ambience by switching things off.

“Like our complimentary pillow mint and dressing gown, we believe nothing says ‘luxury hotel’ more than a control panel on every wall like the Starship Enterprise, along with at least one switch hidden behind a chair which does absolutely nothing.”

Bishop dismissed environmental concerns, saying: “To reduce our carbon footprint, the lights turn off automatically when the room is empty. Just not when someone is trying to sleep in it.”

Sheridan eventually discovered the lights could be turned off by attempting to charge her mobile phone from the bedside power socket, leaving just a red LED on the ceiling fire alarm, which flashed every five seconds and was three times brighter than the sun.

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Woman goes back to date's place because he has a working printer

A WOMAN accepted an invitation to go back to a date’s flat for sex due to him owning a functioning printer.

Nathan Muir and Nikki Hollis were having a first date in a restaurant when Muir’s printer status persuaded Hollis to trust her sexual instincts and also get some pressing printing jobs done.

Hollis said: “There wasn’t much of a spark between until I casually mentioned I was fretting about a report that needed printing out for the morning, and had no way of doing so.

“There was a twinkle in Nathan’s piercing cyan eyes as he suggested we go back to his place and fire up his Epson. I couldn’t believe I was sitting there with a guy with a printer that actually works.

“We had sex and that was fine, but what really turned me on was Nathan’s bulging tray of sensual, high-quality A4. Who needs foreplay when your last three months’ bank statements just slide effortlessly into the out tray?

“Then he started on my CV, which was incredible. I had copy after copy after copy.

“In the morning I felt completely satisfied. I actually printed Nathan a certificate from Word templates thanking him and suggesting we do it again next quarter. I did it in Palatino Italic. It’s such a sexy font.”

Muir said: “Men agonise about how to be a good lover. But it’s just being sensitive to what women want, which is a compatible inkjet printer ideally with a built-in scanner.”