Only awful people get to buy houses abroad, confirm experts

ONLY the most annoying people you know are in the position to buy a second home abroad, it has been confirmed.

Insufferable couples who have either inherited large amounts from dead parents or fiddled their taxes are able to live a dream that will forever be denied to ordinary plebs.

Second home owner Francesca Johnson said: “It’s hard for people like us, because how do you find ways to show off when you already have a house in the home counties, an SUV for the school run and a pizza oven in the garden?

“We decided the best course of action was to spend an astonishing amount of money on a spare house that we can’t occupy because we’re not there, but which will price local people out of the market.

“It’s great fun viewing properties and sniffing at traditional Calabrian farmhouses that are too dark or Portuguese villas which are quite nice but the terrace is too small at only 90 square feet.

“There are downsides, of course, for example Ocado won’t deliver and the kids next door key the car on a regular basis the two weeks of the year we are there.

“But overall it’s a small price to pay for the lifestyle, by which I mean an intense feeling of superiority.”

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Sex outdoors: how to finish when you wish you hadn't started

THE summer’s here, clothes are skimpy, nobody’s around, you’ve initiated sex and wish you hadn’t. Here’s how to finish.

Take fright

No stimulus needed: simply shrink back from your partner and hiss ‘It’s watching us’ to instantly reduce his erection to nothing while you fumble your clothes back on. It could be anything from a farmer to an owl to the neighbour’s kid but it’s an excuse to stop. Claim you’ll resume later.

Hurry up (male)

As a man, you know you can finish sex any time you like. The power’s yours. It always has been. Simply touch base with your most enduring sexual fantasy, dwell on it, and there you are, you’ve reached climax. Zip up and promise your partner you’ll sort her out when you get home.

Hurry up (female)

As a woman, you can make him orgasm whenever you want to. The power’s yours. It always has been. Just do the moves you normally save to the end immediately, let him have his little ejaculation, then briskly zip up and go. If he’s made a mess on himself that’s his problem.

Shout

There’s nothing better than loud noise while outside to attract unwanted attention, so be very vocal about your rocketing desire then flip to panic the moment the upstairs light goes on in a hitherto unseen house.

Get a twig up your arse

There’s nothing like a startling cry of pain in the throes of lovemaking, followed by an urgent need for wood extraction from the anal area, followed by ‘Don’t just f**king yank it. Well if you can’t see put your phone torch on’ to ruin the romance.

Whisper ‘We don’t have to do this. We’re not teenagers. We have a comfortable bed’

Nothing heightens lovemaking like whispering sweet nothings into your paramour’s ear, and nothing arouses the senses more than realising that you could just go home and f**k in a double bed with clean sheets. You won’t, though, you’ll watch Love Island instead.