Owning a speedboat in Britain 'a bit shit'

OWNING a speedboat in the UK is nothing like being in Miami Vice or indeed any fun whatsoever, a man has revealed.

Roy Hobbs of Southampton has derived little pleasure or excitement from his high-speed water vehicle that should be incredibly cool to own.

Small businessman Hobbs said: “When I shelled out £21,000 for my Viper LX900 powerboat I forgot one important factor – Britain’s constant fucking rain.

“It’s hard to enjoy the thrill of opening up the throttle when you’re drenched to the bone and the endless drizzle is making congealed seagull shit drip all over the seats.

“Then there’s tedium like paying making sure you’re meeting marine safety regulations and your flare gun is safely stowed. Crockett and Tubbs in Miami Vice never had to fill out a four-page mooring permit for the local council.”

Hobbs’ wife Sandra said: “It’s cold and nasty. I don’t go on it anymore.”

Other problems associated with Hobbs’ disappointing boat included spending a vast amount of time fiddling with the GPS and feeling seasick when he was trying to have a ‘champagne picnic’.

He added: “You can’t go too fast without hitting a yacht or being crushed by a massive Chinese cargo vessel, so this weekend I’ll probably just watch repeats of Come Dine With Me.”

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Five guilt-free holiday destinations for annoying middle class people to show off about

DO you want to go on a sickeningly expensive holiday whilst also making a big deal about the fact that you’re not flying there? Here are some excellent destinations.

Padstow

Who needs foreign holidays when you can rent a flashy holiday home and stuff your face in overpriced fish restaurants owned by TV chefs? You’ll be helping to price out the locals, but if you do meet Rick Stein you can bore people shitless about it for the rest of your life.

Paris

Lie to your friends about how much little Olivia and Hugo adored the Louvre when in reality the highlight of their holiday was playing computer games in their hotel room. Also miss out the bit where they begged to go to Disneyland but you wouldn’t let them because it’s common.

The French Alps

Heaven forbid you should have to forego a skiing trip just because you don’t want to fly, so go overland. It’ll be a balls ache of a drive but you’ll still be able to post tedious pictures of the ‘apres ski’ on Facebook. Don’t forget to mention you didn’t fly!

Chipping Norton

Shell out hundreds of pounds to pretend you’re a country squire whilst secretly hoping for a glimpse of David Cameron or that one out of Blur who’s pretending to be a farmer for some reason.

Mallorca

Only people on package holidays call it ‘Majorca’, so make a big fuss about pronouncing it properly on the ferry, in case you get confused with the type of family who drink Lambrini non-ironically instead of one destined for a boutique hotel in an olive grove.